Jay Gabler wants your vote. He says he has what it takes to move this country forward. But let’s look at his record.
He says he’s a small business owner. What he doesn’t mention is that business is a blog where the most popular posts are “Thoughts I’ve Had While Giving a Blow Job” and “A Guide to Fucking Hipster Girls.” Is this the man you want standing in the Rose Garden addressing the nation? Addressing your children? Addressing our valued allies overseas, some of whom might not be impressed by the post claiming to classify their “fuckability” by body type?
But business is business, so let’s look at the numbers. The Tangential has lost over one hundred dollars in the past six months alone. They pay hosting fees, but they collect no income. In fact, they’ve even had an overdraft when they forgot to put money into their account one month. Is this the man you want in charge of America’s checkbook?
Jay Gabler says he has experience in politics. That’s true…if you count a high school student council as “politics.” And what did he and his running mate accomplish in their tenure leading the students of St. Agnes High School? Nothing, except to get the boys accompanying homecoming princesses to be officially referred to as “princes” rather than “escorts.” Sounds pretty fancy, doesn’t it? Our first president, George Washington, declined the invitation to be king of this country—do you really want to elect a man who wants there to be more royalty in America?
Speaking of fancy, Jay Gabler likes to point out that he has three degrees from Harvard. What he doesn’t mention is that one of those degrees was a freebie “in passing” Master’s they just gave him on the way to a Ph.D., and another was a one-year degree from a program with a no thesis requirement and almost no class requirements. They called it an “individualized” program. Is this what our public schools will look like if Jay Gabler is elected? Will our children just lie around all day playing video games in their “individualized” third-grade programs?
Jay Gabler likes to point out that he’s from Minnesota, a state with what he calls a “proud political history.” Is that the way you would describe a history that includes the likes of Walter Mondale, who lost every single state but Minnesota in the 1984 presidential election? Jesse “The Body” Ventura, the Minnesota governor who while in office told Playboy he’d like to be reincarnated as a size 38 double-D bra? Al Franken, the U.S. senator who wrote such learned volumes as Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot? Michele Bachmann, the U.S. representative who thinks that HPV vaccine causes mental retardation? Haven’t we had enough of Minnesota for a while?
Jay Gabler might be the right choice if you want someone to get drunk and play an abbreviated version of “U Can’t Touch This” on an out-of-tune guitar, but he’s the wrong choice for this country.
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