The 15 Times My Life Was Most Like a Sitcom
1. The time I was at a bar actively ignoring high school classmates when I knocked over a bar stool holding the purse of one of the classmates I was trying to ignore. Cut to awkward “Hey, how are you?” and gathering of purse guts from the floor.
2. The time when I was working as a barista and one of the coffee carafes was broken. I told my boss I didn’t want to use it because I was “afraid it was going to come all over me.”
3. The time my dad had to have emergency dental surgery while my sister was having an emergency c-section, and I was stuck at work getting live updates from my mother via text message.
4. The time where I had to run important documents to the courthouse and the important documents were whipped from my hand by the wind. I watched as they swept across the street, through a puddle, and then landed under a car in the sheriff’s parking lot.
5. The time I went to the grocery store and fell flat on my face in front of a small crowd. When I told a friend, she asked whether it was icy outside. I said no—and, in fact, I was in the dairy section.
6. The time I forgot that I had a rubber octopus tentacle in my purse, and when I retrieved it to show a coworker, my scary boss walked in the room.
7. The time that I had an appointment at the University of Minnesota in Duluth to try to convince them that they should accept me and I fell on the ice and hit my head so hard that I think I was knocked out. I made it to the appointment. It didn’t go well.
8. The time I was nine years old, creek-stomping by myself in the woods because my parents didn’t seem to care where I was. I heard a thunderous noise, and looked up to see 50 deer stampeding down the side of a bluff and straight at me. I thoroughly believed I was going to be killed like Mufasa.
9. The time I went to a TV On The Radio concert and got crushed up against the stage like in the movie Selena because a bunch of dicktards wanted to shake hands with the band.
10. The time I went out for drinks with the best-looking man I have ever laid eyes on and he spent the whole time talking to the men at the bar about bow hunting.
11. The time my brakes went out and I had to coast for three blocks before having a school bus pull out in front of me.
12. The time I went to Montreal and told a bunch of grad-school guys they were “the most educated people I’ve met in Canada.”
13. The time I cleaned out my old boss’s desk drawer and found train tickets from the 1940s, piles of fingernail clippings, hundreds of dollars in quarters, and a handful of stray bullets.
14. The time I was hit on by a guy who said, “You know, I’m married, but I look at it like when I get a new tractor. Just ‘cause I buy one, don’t mean I won’t look at the others on the lot.”
15. The time that I was walking into an elevator in a newly-remodeled building, and a very small woman in a security guard’s uniform jumped out at me from behind a curtain and screamed.