Geode: You’re a mass-produced volcanic rock easily broken apart by children to reveal polished crystals, commonly sold in state park gift shops? Bullshit. You’re just trying to get everyone to say chode.
Tardy: Tardy did us all the service of combining the terms randy, tarnished, dirty, ready, dyslexic, and TA into one. Something for the struggling college freshman in all of us.
Demure: Demure is a call girl who bides her time in a double-wide wearing a leopard leotard and painting her nails different shades of neon. You might not think Demure’s your type, but her intoxicating coconut scent and spider-leg eyelashes will eventually have you begging “Demure…come hure….”
Throttle: Throttle brings to mind a joystick, or some sort of yellow energy drink just exploding all over a million athletes’ faces. T-money’s game is simple: he’s Arnold and Han Solo and LeBron all rolled into a yummy confection of macho madness.
Rectify: We get it, you’re like the Zeus of anal sex. I imagine you just point at jean-clad butts and scream “Rectified!” while grinding into them on the club floor. Rectify has his moniker tattooed across his back in Old English font, framed by lightning bolts.
Squeegees: First, that spelling screams “low-budget porno”; and second, squeegees is obviously trying to remind people of her close friends squeeze and jeez. Not to mention that hearing the word squeegees, makes any warm-blooded American imagine a bikini car wash in mid-summer Georgia heat, so thanks for getting us all worked up, bitch.
Boondoggle: Boondoggle is a cocky political aide who constantly adjusts his nuts during public appearances, and then defends, “this was not a useless waste of money and time.” His name might mean “failed enterprise,” but he’s really just a goon trying to doggle all the lady delegates.
Nonplussed: Nonplussed is cool on the surface—nothing could ruffle her posh sophistication. She’ll engage you in conversation about Nietzsche and Fiona Apple, then invite you back to her retro loft, seeming ever-aloof until she breaks out some chains and whips and tells you she really, really does want to be plussed after all.
Circumstantial: Circumstantial is definitely trying to stress that his circumsized penis is substantial. I’m sure it is, but just…keep it in in your Levis during this community barbeque. Circumstantial is also known for being reliably available at local port-a-potties to distribute low-grade marijuana to pre-teens.