Black, lacy wire bra with matching underwear:  Your boobs fancy themselves a bit Gothic, and like to stay pale to keep up that image. They look down on boobs with tanlines. They may rely too much on sexting to get attention.

Cami bra: Your nipples like to watch the world through your shirt like a second little purple set of eyes. Your boobs have a “I have no idea I’ve already bloomed” innocence about them but they’re getting bored in there.

Flesh-colored “T-Shirt” bra: Your boobs value advice. When someone tells them to blend in under a white V-neck, they don’t mind taking a backseat.

Aquabra that you wear every day: Your boobs have an inferiority complex, sure, but they’ve also gotten addicted to sleeping through the day on those comfy gel doo-dads. Every time they meet with hands they say, “Sorry I was a little dishonest ;-).”

Wire bra with tiny roses all over it: Your boobs keep a calendar with color-coded special occasions and they never forget a birthday.

Two pieces of tape to cover up the nips: Your boobs like to whip in the wind and have soy sauce fall on them during sushi dinners. They dream of wearing something semi-see through when they go to the Oscars someday, because they know they’re stars.

White everyday wire bra: Your boobs have had their time in the sun (literally). Sometimes they forget they exist.

Front-clasping bra: Your boobs like to make a grand entrance, like a couple of mangoes falling out of a burlap sack. Here we are!

Strapless bra: Your boobs like the challenge of doing a balancing act, showing they are filled with enough cotton candy and helium to float through life on their own gravitational plane.

Leopard print bra: Your boobs are good pals with your butt cheeks.

–Becky Lang