Tabulating My Facebook Birthday Greetings
Friends who posted on my wall: 209
Friends who sent messages: 3
Friends who did nothing: 1,631
People who posted YouTube birthday videos made for other Jays: 2
People who left birthday messages despite the fact that I have absolutely no idea who they are: 10
People who left birthday messages despite the fact that we’ve never met in real life: 5
Cousins who left messages who up until a few months ago I didn’t even know were my cousins, but luckily we never hooked up: 1
People who simply said, “Happy birthday!” or “Happy birthday, Jay!”: 90
People who wished me “happy barfday”: 1
People who wished me “hoppy birfday”: 1
People who mentioned my recent Fringe Festival show: 14
People who posted photos of me: 3
People who posted photos of a little girl dressed as a pink Darth Vader: 1
People who accidentally posted twice: 1
People who accidentally posted thrice: 2
People who used multiple exclamation points: 35
People who used no punctuation whatsoever: 10
People who repeated vowels (haaaaaapy birthdaaaaaaaay): 2
People who added multiple “happy”s: 6
People who wished me happy birthday in other languages: 3
“Happy day of birth!”: 1
“hbd”: 3
“hbty”: 1
“hbjg”: 1
“hfbj”: 1
“Happy Jay Day!”: 1
“Happy birthjay!”: 1
“hapapab itb ierhtryda”: 1
Posts with no content relating to my birthday: 4
Posts by ex-girlfriends: 1
Posts by ex-girlfriends’ sisters: 1
Posts by ex-girlfriends’ mothers: 1
People saying they love me: 2
People saying they love me who are my mom: 1
People saying they love me who are local hip-hop artists whose bandmates are dating my blogmates: 1
People who shared hopes that it would be a good day/year: 22
People who commanded me to have a good time: 14
People who used emoticons: 12
People who asked me about an assignment for work while also wishing me happy birthday: 1
Mentions of God: 1
People to whose birthday greetings I responded with a comment about their recent breast reduction surgery as documented on Tumblr: 1
People whose profile pictures featured leis, allowing me to respond by saying, “It was my birthday, but you were the one who got lei’d!”: 1
People who suggested we hang out: 2
People who wrote, simply, “Enjoy the tail end of it”: 1
People who mentioned the fact that last year I graded my birthday Facebook posts: 1
People pointing out that I share the same birthday as Uncle Dave: 1
People pointing out that I share the same birthday as Debi Mazar: 1