What Your Boyfriend’s Man-Crush Says About The Longevity of Your Relationship

Andrew Garfield: Zuckerbro’s best friend treads a fine line between twink and man’s man which makes it particularly hard to tell what your boyfriend’s eagerness to YouTube him really means. It could be that a bicurious part of him wants to rub gel into his hair and watch him work his glutes, or it could be that he genuinely thinks he is a good actor. To figure out which one it is, observe whether or not your manfriend gets chubs while watching Spiderman previews. Calculate your openness to this possibility, and divide that by your long-term desires in the relationship.

Ricky Rubio: Does your boyfriend sketch Ricky Rubio absentmindedly on any piece of paper he can find? Is he making GIFs of Rubio slowly regaining the ability to walk after his ACL injury? Don’t be jealous of this Spanish basketball savant. His innocent twinkish face appeals to the big brother (not the scary government kind) in every man, that just wants to live vicariously through their mop-top-headed little friend.

Michael Fassbender: He played Carl Jung, he played a sex addict, he has been declared a man of the year by GQ magazine. As far as mancrushes go, Fassbender has pretty much been declared OK to salivate over by the pope. Together, fall into his icy blue eyes. I predict a relationship similar to that of the movie Closer. Real steamy, real hurty.

Paul Rudd: No human being can resist being attracted to Paul Rudd’s sarcastic depression and uncontrollable sweetness. He is like Holden Caulfield for an era that is addicted to Vanilla Coke. You and your boyfriend will get married.

Your boyfriend cannot fathom “being attracted to a man:” He is not in touch with the new gender politics, which include lots of same sex hugs, ass slapping, sharing of spaghetti bowls, and open fascination with human sexuality. This might just mean he is from a more conservative town/generation, but it might also mean he is overcompensating a bit. You’ll probably be ok.

Tosh.0: For some reason, men tend to believe that Tosh.O is gay, even though he has a constant “I just got done eating vagina” smirk on his face. If your boyfriend is fascinated with Tosh’s mischievous good looks and rumored vague sexuality, it probably means that he doesn’t know that many gay guys and wonders what they’re like. It also means that he really likes watching people get hurt on YouTube videos. Your relationship will last 8 months.

David Beckham: You guys are the type of couple that could go to an orgy together, and have the supreme restraint to resist the snack table. You will last 2 tumultuous years.

-Becky Lang

Photo courtesy Columbia Pictures