How to Make Love to Your Lifeguard
- Approach your lifeguard* from the front while simultaneously scoping out the scene for safety and places to comfortably make love.
- Introduce yourself as a trained professional and ask for consent.
- When consent is given, clear spectators or move your lifeguard to a safer location.
- Begin by doing a preliminary assessment of your lifeguard’s breathing and circulation. (Is breathing heavy? Is heart rate high?) Continue with two mouth-to-mouth rescue kisses.
- After mouth-to-mouth has been performed, reassess your lifeguard’s breathing and circulation. Check for signs of stimulation by gently feeling along the groin with one hand.
- If stimulation is observed, apply proper protection before proceeding with genital compressions. Latex protection can be found in your lifeguard’s fanny pack.
- Begin genital compressions in sets of 30 at a rate of 100 per minute. After 30 genital compressions, give your lifeguard two more mouth-to-mouth rescue kisses. Repeat this cycle.
- Continue genital compressions until one of the following situations arises:
- You become too tired to continue performing genital compressions.
- The scene has become unsafe.
- You observe obvious signs of a climactic finish.
- EMS arrives with back-up assistance.
- Document the incident in a written report, making sure to take your lifeguard’s name, number and history. Note any events leading up to the incident that may be important for understanding the situation.
*Procedure also works for CPR-certified citizens.
-Heidi Thomasoni wants you to know that this procedure is accurate, minus the sex.
(Photo Credit, The Sandlot!)