Tip #1: Remind yourself what Rousseau said about humans being noble savages. Then remind yourself he’s wrong, and actually Dr. Dre was right when he said, “Give me one more platinum plaque and fuck rap, you can have it back.” Yes, French philosophy tells us humans are more than animals; that we have capacity for art, compassion, intellect. But, the fuck?! Freedom Fries! Humans emerged from ooze, from ooze we shall return, and in between time, we’re stealing our coworker’s candy stash if she’s not looking. When haters hate, they’re pissed at you not because you breached the contract of nobility we all subscribe to, but because you a) stole her candy (euphemism, people), or b) cursed them out in an underground mixtape. So don’t pay attention to these animals.
Tip #2: Always be handy with the steel, a.k.a. the company handbook. Warren G knows how to protect himself (Wikipedia tells me he’s not dead yet! Thank God). And that’s weapons! This is a message that applies as well to the Streets of L.A. as to the corporate boardroom. But not like real guns. Metaphors. I mean like the company netiquette policy (you can shove that in their face and make a clicking noise). Or instead of keeping it in the trunk, how about a well-lit place, like the breakroom, with a Post-It saying something like “Nate Dogg, Warren G, and section 14.5 about using inappropriate language in emails is about to regulate.”
Tip #3: Describing elaborate fictional death scenarios of your nemesis can be both professionally stabilizing and enliven most of your sophomore album. The best part of Eminem describing shoving Kim into the back of his trunk in numerous songs was that—as far as I know—he never did it! Which just goes to show the power of MC-therapy. If for example, creating a rap about shooting a coworker in a hot tub will release the pent-up frustration you have at her and allow you to be more generous and patient the next time she eats your string cheese and stomps her foot the entire fucking afternoon listening to some crappy folk music, well then, get on with it.
Tip #4: When necessary, diplomatically suggest to your hater that if this little prosecution of your ethical behavior continues, you might have to reveal his own vices to the world…or that you kidnapped his daughter. The beautiful turnabout in Notorious B.I.G.’s seminal “Hypnotize” comes when the bad boy MC has a “note” for the plaintiff that his daughter is, well, how can I put this lightly, err, “tied up in a Brooklyn basement / Face it: not guilty.” Granted, what said daughter is DOING in said basement is up for poetic ambiguity. But still, the point I think we can derive is, don’t be afraid to play a little hardball when your coworkers start beating up on you. Maybe you can take their parking space. Or sneak in late at night and upload porn on their computer. Or make threatening calls. I don’t know. Just like listen to five minutes of this stuff on Spotify and you’ll think of something nasty.