-You got to grow up wearing Lip Smackers. I was always secretly hoping men would try to get in on this because they smelled delicious and didn’t even really leave a tint on your lips. Plus, I guarantee you that whatever woman is currently kissing Clive Owen or Daniel Craig is secretly wishing that his lips tasted like cake batter.

-Have you ever gone shopping for clothes with a man before? There’s barely anywhere to go unless you want to buy a whole bunch of athletic shorts or graphic slogan t-shirts. As for vintage stores, there’s really no such thing as a great find considering most men wear any halfway decent piece of clothing until it’s in literal tatters.

-On that note, looking presentable at a wedding or formal dinner for us means plopping down at least a few hundred dollars on a suit. Buying a suit is an investment and we all envy your flight of fancy dress purchases.

-Riding a bike feels weird, which is why I don’t do it.

-If we really thought about the logistics of it, we wouldn’t want to have a baby, but it must be pretty cool to harness the power to create life inside your body. I can’t imagine feeling that connected to the earth. The closest I can think of is extinguishing a camp fire by peeing on it.

-Speaking of vaginas, it must feel empowering to have your sexual organs be internal as opposed to just flopping around and constantly at the mercy of zippers. I imagine you feel a surge of electrical power in the heat of the moment that would make me feel like Jean Grey when she was becoming Dark Phoenix.

-I never had an excuse to get out of gym class. I’m just saying.

-Paying for a date is still the standard even among the most refreshingly progressive men. Unless of course you go Dutch, but we’re still having a hard time getting past the wooden shoes over here to listen to those people.

-Nobody has ever associated you with Entourage before, unless you are Debi Mazar.

-I’d imagine makeup is a giant hassle, but it must be nice to know there’s always a way to save an off day with a whole bunch of expensive products. When men wake up looking haggard and hungover, we’re pretty much already out of options. That option is going out looking like Mickey Rourke.

-Singing the low parts in harmonies is boring!

-Your grandparents probably thought it was cute and were reminded of Scout from To Kill a Mockingbird when you wanted to wear overalls and play baseball with all your boy cousins. There’s no beloved male child character in American literature that wanted to stay in and bake cookies and maybe watch the Miss America pageant.

-There’s always the chance you can charm your way out of a speeding ticket, provided how stereotypical and predictable your police officer is.

-90’s-era Littlest Pet Shop playsets will forever be the greatest toys ever made. What about loving cutie animals was specifically for girls? I never knew but all the dog tags had little hearts on them so whatever.

-I got made fun of in the third grade once for drinking a Diet Coke at school.

-Nobody has ever called me “kicky” before.

-I mean, I was always jealous of my sister’s nail polish collection growing up. But then again I turned out gay so make of all this what you will.

– Marcus Michalik knows all these problems pale in comparison, but he still wants to be heard.