My Honest Résumé
Katie Sisneros
An Address in Minneapolis
Minneapolis, MN 55414
612.555.5555
katie.stfu@gmail.com
Education
Ph.D., Department of English, University of Minnesota Twin Cities, expected May 2015. Or whenever, really. I mean, the goal is 2015, but the national average to completion for a humanities doctorate is what, eight or nine years? Let’s be honest here. Even with a Masters in English, I’m looking at a solid year after my funded six spent scavenging for research funding, fellowships, assistantships, indentured servitude in the seasonal circus that passes through the Twin Cities suburbs (just don’t tell them I don’t actually know how to manage a trapeze; everybody fudges on their résumé once in a while, right?)
M.A., Department of English, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, May 2010. The delight and unapologetic ego trip that comes with having acquired not one but two degrees in the same field was short-lived. It’s much like having punched the same guy in the face twice. Oh really? You punched him in the face again? Well didn’t you already do that once? What are you trying to do, rub it in? Don’t you think you got enough out of it the first time? God, you’re such a dick. OH YOU’RE APPLYING TO PHD PROGRAMS?! FINE. FINE. GO AHEAD AND ACCOMPLISH THE ACADEMIC EQUIVALENT OF BEATING SUPER MARIO 3 A DOZEN TIMES. FUCKING WORTHLESS.
B.A. Department of English, University of Nebraska-Lincoln, December 2007. My biggest accomplishment up to this point is that I managed to complete a bachelor’s degree in 3 ½ years. Way to fucking go. Pat yourself on the back for as long as it takes you to remember that it was a four year degree in ENGLISH you monumental waste of federal student loan money.
Overseas Education
Semester Abroad at Lancaster University – Lancaster UK. Courses in English, Creative Writing, and History. Spring 2006. Accomplished a lot of underage drinking that wasn’t actually underage drinking because WOO! EUROPE! But subsequently became underage drinking upon reentry to the United States at the age of twenty thanks puritan anti-fun laws. Appreciated England more than your average study abroad student who was mostly interested in “drinking somewhere legal” that “isn’t dumb like America” and also “not as far away as Australia oh my god that flight is so long.” Acquired an ever-so-slight accent, but only when pronouncing the word “alright” which now comes out something more like “oowright.”
Critical Language Scholarship Participant – Bursa, Turkey. Intensive Turkish language learning. Summer 2010. Well versed in how to order fast food in Turkish, but also peaches. Lots of peaches. Peaches as big as your head, man. Seriously, you ever seen a Turkish peach? I didn’t fucking think so. Go find a Turkish peach and then talk to me about decent produce. Also, most Turkish farts are older than all of the history in America. That’s only relevant inasmuch as I appreciate old things. Like the castle ruins at Hastings, the segmented walls of the ancient city of Troy, and Sean Connery.
Work Experience
No need for the gory details here. This list includes a series of things that would make me suitable for about 90% of the minimum wage desk jobs available in the state of Minnesota. You need shit typed? I’ll type that shit up man, with speed not seen since the great Cheetah vs. Gazelle Marathon Race-a-Palooza, Zimbabwe 1932 (Cheetah won, in case you don’t remember). I’m fast like Cheetah, dudes. 115 WPM, 100% accuracy. Test me if you want, I’m not afraid! G’head and plop me in front of your laughably asinine typing test about zebras in a zoo, or astronauts in space, or dogs running through a park chasing squirrels that are pretty nonchalant about the whole even because squirrels can climb trees and dogs can’t. WATCH ME ACE THIS SHIT. No but seriously though, if you need anything typed, I really need a summer job. The university only pays me ten months out of the year.
Also, editing. Whatever. Done a handful of that. I mean, my latent OCD is what really makes me suitable for a copyediting or proofreading position, but I’ve also done it for money before. That’s job experience, right? Right?!?! Fuck.
Teaching Experience
Freshman Composition – Graduate Instructor – Fall 2009, Spring 2010, Spring 2011, Fall 2012. I have taught more incoming freshmen than I care to admit. I’ve taught them how to use semicolons correctly, and watched them fail fantastically at it come final paper time. I’ve taught them how to properly cite a periodical source in up-to-date 2012 MLA citation format (did you know we can cite tweets now? It’s true). No, they didn’t really do it right. But I tried; I really put my all into it, and it’s not my fault if they can’t comprehend the basic function of a works cited page! Alright, I’ll give you an A. Whatever, I don’t care. Just give me a good course evaluation, please? No this isn’t bribery, I’m just holding this wad of cash and basket of baked goods because…because…look, I’ll just leave this on the table here and you do what you want with it, ok? Don’t overthink it. I’m going now, so just, you know, whatever.
Intro to Brit Lit – Teaching Assistant – Fall 2010. Barely kept my head above water during Chaucer Discussion Day. Realized I will never divulge to any of my senior faculty or fellow students how little of the Canterbury Tales I’ve actually read, nor how poor attention I paid to them whilst reading. It’s an embarrassment of the highest order to which an Early Modernist can admit. They’d no doubt allow me to choose the most beautifully emblazoned sword with which to perform my inevitable Seppuku in front of the entire English Department at the next faculty meeting. Shh; our little secret.
Language Skills
Basic Spanish – Limited to the Taco Bell menu, dos margaritas por feliz hora, por favor, and numbers 1-100 if I don’t think about it too hard.
Intermediate Turkish – Although I’d argue this is probably false by now. Only when I’m super drunk and particularly feisty am I able to whip out anything beyond a basic Turkish, at times employing the future tense whenever I’m attempting to bed the person to whom I’m speaking. Ben senin karın gece kurcalamak olacaktır. Ve hoşuna gidecek. Go ahead and Google Translate it; I’m mostly right.
References
It’d be best if you don’t ask anybody about me. No seriously, just don’t ask around. I’ve never worked a real job in this city. Or better yet, call my mom, maybe? My mom will say loads of nice thing about me. Yeah, do that. Janet Sisneros, Omaha, Nebraska.
Photo by CharlotWest (Creative Commons)