Dear Friends and Family,

As you may know, Beyonce’s tumblr went live with loads of photos of her personal life. This is particularly interesting because I like to compare myself to Beyonce. However, it has come to my attention that my online persona is not nearly as artsy as hers. Because of this, I have a special request: please take more pictures of me looking happy and carefree and unaware that my picture is being taken.

If you are uncertain what I am looking for, here are some suggestions that will certainly make my Facebook friends say, “Gosh, she is having so much fun and she doesn’t even know it!”

-I am drinking a fizzy cocktail and a friend said a really funny joke about Crocs shoes. Unable to contain myself, my cheeks have ballooned to contain the liquid and my eyes are watering, but I still look fucking adorable.

-I am wearing a cute vintage sundress and some Ray Bans and sitting on a checkered picnic blanket by the lake/ocean. I am staring off into the sunset with a look that says, “God, my life is so perfect, I bet no one else has ever done this before.”

-I am holding hands with my significant other and we are walking down the street ahead of you. We both look really in love and really well-dressed and like we are headed somewhere hip and/or historically significant. Also, our butts look nice.

-I am taking a nap on the couch and my mouth hasn’t dropped open yet, so I look really peaceful and cuddle-able. My hand may be ever-so-gently resting against my cheek.

-I am riding a bike with my legs on the handlebars and making a “happy scream” face because I am young and wild and no one knows I work a grown-up job. I am also probably wearing a floppy sunhat and my hair looks awesome.

-I am in a foreign country, but I am not wearing tennis shoes or a camera around my neck. In fact, I look like I could live in that country. I am sipping an espresso and reading the newspaper that is most definitely in French. I was meant for that moment even though I put, “Look like a Parisian at a café” in my itinerary.

Please feel free to contact me with any further questions. If you need new camera batteries, I am also willing to help. I hope you realize how important this is to my current social life and also my future grandchildren. I’m just so sick of lying about why my arm is extended in front of me in all my profile pictures.

Thanks,

Heidi Thomasoni

Photo from Beyonce