Make her feel like the chosen one
Put some golden tattoos on your face and dye your hair blue when you tell her she has been selected to represent fly honeys everywhere in the Sexy Games.
Take her somewhere she feels comfortable
Two words: THE WOODS. Getting freaky in a sleeping bag tied to a tree branch is going to be super challenging, but that’s what she wants, so channel your inner MacGyver and make it work. If anyone asks you where you guys are going, just kill them. Stab ‘em in the neck or whatever, ‘cuz y’all need some alone time.
Use survival tactics to turn her on
- Shoot some possums with a trident and grill them on the fire you built out of sand and a used land mine (how did you do that, anyway?). Feed them to her while massaging her skin with the juice of poisonous berries. This will make her feel dangerous. Try not to get it in her mouth though, because, you know, she’ll like die.
- Make a sex swing out of some rope that you tied some really difficult knots in.
- Paint/camouflage your naked body and lay on her bed so that you blend in to the sheets and pillows. Talk about a sexy surprise, eh?
Definitely don’t mention these things
She probably has a really serious complex about each one and will either shoot you in face with a big-ass arrow or start crying which is worse.
Feed her when you’re done
‘Cuz let’s face it, she’s probably hungry. Actually you could skip all these steps and just feed her at the beginning because she’d probably let you do whatever you wanted in exchange for a good, hearty sourdough roll.
Get her outta there
OK, so the sex was good (beautifully tragic, yet fiery and extremely violent) and she’s really nice and everything, but daaaamn does that girl have night terrors or what?! Knowing full well that she’s damaged beyond repair and definitely not marriage material, tell her the acid fog should be starting any minute. Or is it the rabid monkey mutations that start at 8 am? Either way, she better skedaddle.