Funtime wheely chair: So there you are in the tiny room, sitting in the chair, surveying the litany of Saw-like equipment surrounding you. Then a hairy man happily straddling a seat on wheels steers himself towards you with his pelvis, and before you know it you are kissing-distance from the man-pores and nostril hairs and minty-bad breath of your friendly Doctor of Optometry. He talks about the weather while you pretend to ignore this radical violation of your personal space.
Sporty Soul-Stealer: Doc jauntily tosses his little light pointer from hand-to-hand like he’s Tom Cruise in Cocktail before saturating each eye with blinding light, effectively searing through your ocular membranes and vaporizing your soul.
Oculizer 9000: You are invited to rest your head on the chin rest and the Oculizer 9000 is lowered onto your face. Lenses are flipped at warp-speed and you wonder what it would be like to be a cyborg while you struggle to correctly answer the question: “Which one is clearer: One or two?” about a trillion times. Dr. Freakenstein gets bored and starts using different voices to distinguish between option one and two that sound increasingly sing-songy, like an evil clown.
Sawed-Off Airgun: “Now you are going to feel a little puff,” he says. Surprise! Instead of the gentle poof suggested, this feels more like a miniature shotgun blank being shot directly into your iris-bullseye. You wonder if this is what Brandon Lee felt like when he was accidentally killed on the set of The Crow.
Ludicrously Expensive Scanner: “Did you know that Lenscrafters is on the cutting-edge of diagnostic eye care technology and for a nominal additional fee you can purchase the peace of mind that only a full-color topographical map of your retina and optic nerve can buy, thanks to the ThermalOptixScanHD?” No.
Chemical Weapons: Caustic drops are plopped in your weary peepers, dilating your pupils into giant black holes which make you appear supersexy. Why didn’t you plan this exam more strategically, like before a date? Instead, the only person who gets to reap the benefits is this freaky optometrist, who has just shut off the lights and is now donning a miner’s helmet mounted with a headlight to further exploit your drugged and vulnerable peepers with his light pointer, from every conceivable angle.
Ray-Ban Roll-Ups: When it’s finally over and, unsurprisingly, “Everything looks good,” you are given a curled brown piece of plastic that you are told is “protective eyewear” for your post-dilated eyes that you can just roll up inside of your glasses. Like a lunatic. While checking out, you are matter-of-factly informed that Medica isn’t actually one of their providers. Whoopsie. You shuffle dejectedly to the bus stop outside of Southdale Mall with your makeshift sunglasses and you realize that you look just like one of those deranged bus-riding ladies that you painstakingly avoid because you are afraid they will select you on which to unleash a nonsensical verbal assault. Now you are one of those ladies.
- Kat Kluegel