“Oh, yikes!” **Ouchy/grimace face** “You, my friend, are sunburned.”
OMG! You noticed! Thank god! I mean, I laid outside at the pool literally all day to get this outrageous color just to get your attention and IT WORKED!
Well, Whoopi-fucking-Goldberg! I. Am. Thrilled.
Why, why, why does everyone feel the need to inform you about the fact that you look like a lobster? Yeah, dude, I know. I knew the moment I came inside and felt my skin radiating 120 degree heat. I looked in the mirror and I said, “Oh shoot, defs had too many brewskies in the hot tub of Grandma’s Arizona Retirement Community.”
As I examined the damage of my previously flawless porcelain complexion, I thought about whether or not I regretted my irresponsible outdoor actions. And you know what? I had an excellent time talking about March Madness uniform colors with 92-year-old Albert, who also has Baylor going all the way due to their neon yellow garb.
So, in short… the fuchsia tint of my skin is directly related to how much fun I had today and you, my friend, should be seer jealz. The benefits of being sunburned are too many to recite in a mere blog post, but let me give you the highlights:
- People feel sorry for you and pay you extra attention.
- You get lots of offers including, but not limited to: something cold to eat/drink and perhaps even a whole-body aloe massage.
- You can press your hand on your skin and watch the white hand-mark fade back to your red color over and over again. Use this trick to amaze small children.
Also, let’s be real, shall we? Do I bring up the fact that you ate an entire box of Girl Scout cookies last night while we watched 50/50 for the eighth time or how you got a 19 on your ACT in high school? Nope, I don’t, because I know that you’re already aware of these things and that you probably feel shitty about them.
You see, Albert would never tell me I’m sunburned. He would trust me to already know this and continue opening Natty Ice cans with his teeth while bitching about Coach K being overrated.
– Kelsey McDonough is quite pink at the moment, so no touchie, plez.