Michael Bay has decided that not a high enough percentage of the population of the world hates him yet, so he’s changing the origin story of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for his upcoming reboot – they’re aliens now, guys. Now now, I know what you must be thinking. But I thought the point is that they’re mutants! Isn’t it right there in the name? Yes. Yes it is. And it’s not like Bay is going to change the name to Teenage Alien Ninja Turtles, because the acronym for that is TANT which is far too close to “TAINT” and come on guys, this is a family movie.
Jury’s still out on whether these aliens are also mutants (LAYERS!), but one thing seems to be sure: Michelangelo, Leonardo, Donatello, and Raphael (Or M-dizzle, Lee-pain, Donadoo, and Ralph Nader, as I like to affectionately refer to them) are no longer born of adorable little baby turtley-turtles from Earth that got gooped on by some radioactive something-or-other. Talking crime-fighting pizza-eating mask-wearing attitude-having adolescent turtles that have been trained by a hyper-intelligent zen-like rat sensei? Sure, makes sense. But talking crime-fighting pizza-eating mask-wearing attitude-having adolescent turtles that aren’t from earth? You’ve crossed the threshold of believability, Bay, and we nerds who spent our sprightliest years in the 90s in front of a television aren’t going to take it anymore.
Here, go ahead. Just have the rest of our collective childhoods. See if we care.
Batman. Bruce Wayne was bit by a radioactive armadillo when he was five years old. That radioactive armadillo, coincidentally, had been bitten by a radioactive bat not two days prior. The armadillo was super pissed off about having been turned radioactive, because there’s not much an armadillo can do with itself even when it has super powers, besides roll into a ball faster than usual. So it took its frustration out on poor Master Wayne, who found the little guy maniacally wandering the streets of Gotham and tried to feed him a scrap of foodstuff and got bitten. Ungrateful little asshole armadillo. From then on, Bruce had the senses, cunning, and flight capabilities of the bat, and the natural body armor of the armadillo. That’s not a suit; he actually wakes up looking like that, unclenches his feet from the ceiling rafters, and eats a bowl of fruit with his little claws. Oh, and both of his parents are still alive so he only fights crime because he’s super rich and super bored.
Superman. Clark Kent was the name of an adorable little turtle who wandered the sewers of New York City, lost and alone. He toddled up upon a puddle of some glowing green substance and, being just a little turtle who doesn’t know nothing about anything, decided to give it a lick. Little Clark started to feel weird. He could feel his limbs lengthening, hair growing out of his head, his strength growing, his flesh turning from green to pink. When he squinted, he could see straight through the brick above his head that separated him from street level, straight up into the skirts of unsuspecting women passing by. He realized that he should probably keep his new-found identity to himself, so he surfaced and quickly obtained a job at the local newspaper. He only occasionally still gets the urge to fall over on his back and flail his limbs around helplessly.
Doctor Octopus. Doc Oc was the very first cephalopod mollusk to earn a PhD in anything from The University. He got his degree in Very Smart Engineering Things, but found it difficult to get a job because the Equal Employment Opportunity Act of ’72 failed to include a section granting rights to non-humans. He grew embittered and vowed to wreak havoc on a world that refused to accept him. Yeah, in the Bay version of Spiderman Doc Oc is actually just an angry octopus. What.
Care Bears. The Care Bears live in the kingdom of Eh, Whatever, and are actually pretty nonchalant about things. The original five Care Bears are Fuck It Bear, Shut Up Bear, Why Are You Bothering Me With This Bear, Oh Jesus Christ Bear, and Ugh Why Me Bear. They would probably go on a series of missions about caring if they could be assed to, which they can’t. Seriously, the Care Bears could give a shit about you. The Caring Meter at the heart of the kingdom of Care-a-Lot is stuck at a big ol’ whopping zero. Grumpy Bear slaughters children in their sleep.
Luke Skywalker. Luke was farted out of the ass of Darth Vader straight into the gas swamps of Dagobah and took a physical form using mud, water, and magical fairy dust. He was raised on Tatooine by his aunt and ucle, although they’re actually small Pomeranians, because FUCK YOU MICHAEL BAY DOES WHAT HE WANTS ZEEP BLORP EXPLODEY BOOM PEARL HARBOR BLAM BLAM BOOOOOM.
–Katie Sisneros actually cares less than she thought she would.