What “What’s in Your Bag” Says About What’s in Your Garbage
In your bag: Film camera (Holga?), cigarettes, wallet adorned with meme three memes after “put a bird on it.”
In your garbage: Weird kind of rice you read about on a cooking blog that you couldn’t figure out how to turn into food, mainstream cards your mom sends you for mainstream holidays, cheap beer cans that you would recycle but don’t cuz your recycling guy is a picky bastard who won’t take a vodka bottle with a cap on (WTF?), 10 different kinds of dead herbs, lots of weed seeds, a dread’s-worth of hair from your vacuum.
In your bag: Bonne Bell Dr. Pepper chapstick, a camo-print Bible that a kind, lost soul gave to you on the subway, a Nature Valley Granola Bar, $10, rolled up but not to do cocaine out of, just cuz you don’t have a wallet cuz you don’t go to bars or use credit cards or have insurance.
In your garbage: Your last performance review from Target, which gave you a 4 on being a team leader but a 3 on being assertive, a pregnancy test because you take one every time your period is a day late, even though you haven’t had sex in 2 years/ever but you might have gotten pregnant from a public toilet seat somehow, 3 empty bags of baked Sunchips, lots of Ho-Ho wrappers, 2 failed pie crusts from that night you stayed up manically baking after a panic attack, a J. Crew catalogue.
In your bag: A tampon hidden in a cute little black tampon case you got free with a subscription to Shape magazine, a keychain from your last trip to Hawaii, a little folio with pictures of your 3 “girls” (the ones you drink with, not your kids, LOL), 4 varieties of Clinique lip gloss, foundation 2-shades darker than your face (your summer shade!), a wallet with $200 inside because you live in the suburbs and people don’t steal much there.
In your garbage: Used condoms of all scents and colors, your boyfriend’s beer bottles filled with chew (you can’t recycle those, right?), a few candles burned down to their nubs, a refill of the junk you put in your jacuzzi to keep it clean, a bunch of empty noodle boxes cuz yes … pastaaaaaa, 12 Cadbury Egg wrappers that you carefully squeezed into little balls so no one will know about how they just kinda fell into your stomach.
In your bag: ~23 gum wrappers, a bunch of receipts you shove in there cuz you are too nervous to say you don’t want a receipt or throw one away cuz what if someone finds your confidential credit information?, cigarettes minus one crushed cigarette at the bottm, getting tobacco all over all your things, an old iPod with gum stuck to it, sunglasses that are broken, wallet your ex-boyfriend gave you that you have been meaning to replace.
In your garbage: An embarrassing amount of Lean Cuisine boxes, the box from the latest workout equipment you bought in a failed attempt to better yourself, 3 empty champagne bottles, 4 boxes of happy hour leftovers that you forgot to eat cuz … Lean Cuisine, a message from the IRS saying your dad claimed you as a dependent and you aren’t really an adult after all, p.s. you owe $1,600.