Participants: Ronald Mc Donald and Colonel Sanders
Event: Fight to the death
Colonel Sanders is a hard looking take-no-shit Southern man sonofabitch who probably has several high calibre firearms sitting in his pickup truck. He drinks his whiskey straight, he chews tobacco, and his outfit suggests that he’s also a pimp and/or involved in dealing something more than secret herbs and spices. His opponent, Ronald McDonald, is a magical clown who has a posse; Birdie, Grimace (I have no idea what Grimace is but I would not fuck with him), and to a lesser extent, The Hamburglar.
The verdict: The Colonel reaches for his gun but Ronald is all over it; he pops magical wolverine-blade-style French fries out of his arms and lops the colonel’s head off. Grimace then violates and eats the corpse (I told you not to fuck with him).
Participants: Speedy Gonzalez and Roadrunner
Event: 100m Sprint
The name Speedy Gonzalez is synonymous with speed. Despite his quite obviously un-aerodynamic sombrero he tears up the Mexican turf giving hope to oppressed mice everywhere with his cat foiling shenanigans. However, the cats he are up against are pretty dopey – they make him look good. The road runner on the other hand, is up against a coyote that is noted for his wiliness. Roadrunner has very little to do with himself, since he lives in a barren desert. His options were either to get heavily into cactus juice or choose the sporting alternative and run about a lot. The constant attempts on his life may have influenced his choice some; he has clearly chosen the athletic path.
The verdict: Some of the coyote’s wiliness has rubbed off on the roadrunner; he leaves nothing to chance and orders a Tonya Harding style attack on Speedy G the night before the race. With his opponent crippled, and being in fantastic shape from a life of doing fuck all else but running around in a desert, Roadrunner easily takes the victory. Speedy Gonzalez never fully recovers but goes on to build a successful career promoting a carpeting company… ‘Under-lay under-lay, Yee –ha, Yee-ha! But don’t forget to buy some quality carpet to go on top from Calvin’s Carpet Coliseum…’
Tom (of Tom and Jerry) vs. Sylvester (of Sylvester & Tweety)
Event: Fight to the death (yeah well fights to the death are exciting)
Although their objects of malicious desire are different (a mouse vs. a bird respectively) these two cats are pretty similar in their unrelenting obsession to kill/maim cute little animals, their ineptitude at doing so, and their crippling underlying emotional disorders resulting from the long term combination of the two former attributes. This one could come down to the wire.
The verdict: No contest. The pre-fight sledging reveals startling similarities in character and turns into dialogue. One thing leads to another, and after a whirlwind romance they get a civil union and move to Sydney where they open a flower shop on Oxford Street together. Jerry finds he feels unwanted, his life is empty without the constant pursuit and he develops and alcohol problem. Tweety isn’t phased initially – he/she/it (what gender is Tweety?) is rocked by the death of granny a few months later, but finds solace in the company of that dog and eventually manages to move on. He/she/it later founds a support group for traumatised retired mining canaries.