If you stare at your cat, you might start to think she looks like a little person covered in fur. The longer you stare, the more you might see a striking resemblance to Kylie Minogue or Joan Rivers. After that, you might start wondering if your cat has any ambitions. You might briefly consider your cat as the leading actress in an action-packed pet drama. Thinking about your ass-kicking cat might make you wonder if she has any skills that might help her survive in the wild. You might briefly consider letting your cat jump out the window 9 times to see if she survives every fall but then wonder if maybe she has already used some of her lives while you’ve been at work. You realize your cat would be better off doing indoor things, like knitting little cat hats.
If you stare at your cat on a Monday morning, you might wonder if she accomplished all her weekend tasks. Did she manage to knock down every stray paper or did she leave a bobby pin or two untouched? Did she get in all her window-staring hours? Did she reach her nap quota? You might notice she looks a little groggy and want to complain about the week ahead with her. You might consider taking your cat to the spa for a massage to release some of her tension.
If you stare at your cat on your sick day, you might wonder if there are secret things she wishes she were doing. Perhaps she wishes you weren’t home, so she can scratch the couch or sit on the kitchen counter. Perhaps she wants to lick herself a little longer than usual without being bothered. Maybe she wants to sit by the door and have loud, meow-versations with the neighboring cats. You might consider your cat using the Internet to log onto a kitty social network, so you check your browser settings to make sure the correct parental controls are in place.
If you stare at your cat on a Saturday morning, you might think she looks a little hungover. You might wonder if she sipped that beer you left unfinished on the table, or maybe she’s just a little parched from too much catnip. You might wonder if your cat even remembers what she did last night or if she did something she regrets, like getting her favorite toy stuck under the oven. You might wonder if your cat still has her virginity and then panic that you’re a horrible cat-parent.
If you stare at your cat after you get home past bar-close, you might think your cat is judging you. You might try to redeem yourself in the eyes of your cat by explaining that you got a little carried away and that it won’t happen again. You might think you’re a crazy person for talking to your cat at 4 in the morning. You might give your cat treats to bribe her into “looking the other way” as you pee for what seems like 2 minutes straight.
If you stare at your cat while your cat is staring at something, you might get really confused and wonder if your cat is thinking the same thing you’re thinking about your cat.
-Heidi Thomasoni stares at her cat a lot.