Lisa

Pros:
Progressive enough to know how to use several contraceptives/ be into lesbian stuff
Has enough boobs to hold up a tube dress, it would seem
How artfully can a saxophone be used in the bedroom?

Cons:
Spikey head probably leads to many oral sex injuries
Probably wants to listen to jazz all the time
Feminist leanings mean she won’t do the cool, degrading stuff

Marge

Pros:
The show has never downplayed matriarchal promiscuity, so we know she’s down
Plus she’s smoking hot
Plus that “Mr. Plow” quirk suggests some freaky-ass potential

Cons:
You’re fucking Bart, Lisa and Maggie’s mom – not cool
Does the carpet match the drapes? If so, it’s a blue cotton candy Swiffer sweeper down there
Blue furballs in your mouth
Scratchy voice probably leads to weird ‘gasm sounds

Homer

Pros:
Caloric intake means he’s ready for marathon sessions
Drunkenness means he’ll last nice and long
Rage fucks
Inertia from his sizable frame means some real vag-rockin’ thrusts
Brag to friends that you bedded TV’s most enduring/beloved character
Love of donuts signifies deep, primitive love of holes, if ya know what I mean

Cons:
“Last Temptation of Homer” proved he’s a loyal, loving family man at his core … or a massive prude, whatever
Possible double-team with Barney Gumble? No thanks
Carries the risk of potentially birthing a Bart

Bart

Pros:
There’s more than one way to “do the Bart Man:”

Love for Itchy, Scratchy and Santa’s Little Helper suggests there might be some barnyard fetishes at play
His spray paint can control is excellent, says Shelbyville twerps. Does that translate into skillful fuck-fests? Yes.

Cons:
Probably has crabs
“Eat my shorts” probably just preview of disturbing dirty talk
Drinks a lot of water to wake up early on special days, might pee the bed
Been known to kneel next to bed and pray every so often … awky
Clown decorations surrounding bed :(

Waylon Smithers

Pros:
Only real power-bottom on the show’s cast, so there’s that.

Cons:
Probably have to clear a few dolls off his bed first

Mr. Burns

Pros:
You could probably tie a pillow to a mop and convince him he’s banging you

Cons:
If he finds out about your pillow-mop hijinx, he’ll send you down his trap door
Making Smithers feel sad – why you gotta do that??

Mindy Simmons:

Pros:
Yes, we’ve all seen naked chicks riding clams before, but few as sexily as Homer’s co-worker crush

Cons:
Homewrecker
Probably a little gassy due to Homer-esque eating habits

Flanders

Pros:
6 pack
Hottest grown man in 2-house stretch
Feel like God probably owes Flanders a good lay, benefit from this

Cons:
Messing up his dead wife’s bed groove and making him cry
Dirty talk probably involves a bunch of “doodlies”
Probably doesn’t have any sugar snacks to eat afterward
Or booze to drink beforehand
Rapey mustache
Dumb little kids listening on the other side of the wall, confused

Comic Book Guy

Pros:
If you’re an elderly woman, this might be your last refuge. Discount comics?
Could probably blindfold him and put a banana peel over his cock and tell him his virginity is gone, that’ll be $40, thank you.

Cons:
You’re fucking Comic Book Guy
Generally gross appearance
Nasal voice … probably snores, says gross stuff in his sleep
Probably fantasizes you’ll dress up like the uber-obscure version of Cat Woman, whip him
Would probably trade you for limited edition version of something or other

Seymour Skinner

Pros:
If that Armin Tamzarian wild side comes out, you’re limping the entire next day
Fuckin’ the principle – everybody’s dream … kinda
Could say nice things about you via school intercom
Could probably also bang the real Seymour Skinner and not have it count as cheating
Hates children so probably won’t poke a hole in your condom to trick you into bearing his child

Cons:
If that Seymour Skinner side remains, you’re fucking Mitt Romney
His mom will inevitably end up washing your thong and come over to yell at you, call you hussy
Make Ms. Krabapple even MORE joyless

-Becky Lang and Jay Boller