New Year’s Eve day in New York City! Everybody’s pumped. So many different storylines are being introduced, and if they all tie together in the end I’m going on a murdering spree. Sarah Jessica Parker can’t wait to hang out with her teen daughter tonight. I hope nothing gets in the way of that storyline! Hilary Swank is being interviewed about being director of the ball drop. (?) “This is a big night,” the reporter says, and she rudely says something with a subtext of “UH YEAH, DO YOU THINK, YOU STUPID ASSHOLE??” Come on, dude, he’s just trying to do his job.

Seth Meyers and Jessica Biel are yeah right a couple and Jessica is very pregnant at the hospital. They hope to have their baby that night so they can win $25,000 from the hospital for having the last baby of 2011 or first baby of 2012, really not paying attention, because that is definitely something that happens at hospitals, people just handing you money for using their facilities. “I could pay off my student loans with that,” says Seth Meyers. High stakes! They meet another couple who is also about to have a baby and the husband wears a hat. Cool!

Michelle Pfeiffer looking decidedly mousy works as an assistant at a fancy record label. Damn, can an assistant in the movies work at a medical filing facility for once? She hates her job and honestly she’s styled like she’s dying of cancer. This is a comedy so hopefully that will not be revealed later.

Zac Efron is introduced as a mail courier at Michelle P’s place of biz and immediately I have questions for him. Do you dye your eyebrows? What is your mouth? Did you know that a simple mention of your name brings up one mental image and one mental image only, and that mental image is your face open mouth smiling like you just said “SILLY!” probably from the cover of High School Musical? Anyway he says “bro” a lot, so that must mean he is crazy cool, and young.

Ashton Kutcher looking like a drunk yoga instructor lives in an old warehouse building turned into studios (ugh) and he is tearing down all of the decorations someone put up in their hall for New Year’s. Can’t wait to hear the backstory about why he hates this holiday (not). He gets trapped in the elevator with Lea Michele. Old elevators be constantly breaking! It’s weird, I was going to type “that girl from Glee,” even though I don’t watch Glee, but I knew her name and I hate myself for it.

Okay well obviously what are you doing, Ludacris. When I move you move, please don’t act.

Ryan Seacrest.

Everyone’s mean about Sarah Jessica Parker but I think she’s okay.

You know what, no one is a sous chef so let’s stop making this an occupation in movies. Sofia Vergara from Modern Family, everybody. Haha, so far this is just me listing people that are in the movie.

Michelle P quits her job and enlists Zac Efron’s help to complete her resolution list from 2011 before the ball drops. I’m aware that none of this movie is going to make any sense, but this storyline is particularly frustrating because it has the most potential to resemble real life. She’s aged into a job that is beneath her and in doing so has sealed shut whatever door that may have been open to her 10 years ago, something she’s reminded of every time Zac Efron practically krumps into her office, and instead of approaching this logically or with dignity, they have her track down the mail guy 20 years her junior even though she apparently hates him to ask if he can drop everything he’s doing (working) and help her complete ridiculous tasks, things like “save a life” and “go to Bali,” and it’s just like, yeah, he’ll do it? No to this!

Oh no! The ball is stuck at half mast! Haha, does anyone care? Please may I never care about anything as much as Hilary Swank and apparently the entire city of New York care about the ball dropping. She arranges a news conference to report that the ball may not drop and is about to cry. This is a movie and Hilary Swank is playing a character, but I get the vibe that this is really just how she would react in real life.

Katherine Heigl and Bon Jovi were once a thing, but he BLEW IT. Man, there is so much I don’t like about Bon Jovi even though I bet he is a perfectly nice person. He probably makes great burgers! I’m sorry, it’s just 50% is aesthetics—like his hair, his leather and silver dangle necklaces, his distressed jeans, and what I can only assume are square toed shoes—and the other 50% is what he makes me feel, which is beach condo, salmon color scheme.

A music montage led by Bon Jovi singing “Have A Little Faith In Me” starts and this is where I begin to feel embarrassed for everyone involved. It’s these types of scenes that remind me how I could never be an actor. I would be reading the script and everything would be fine, fine, fine, and then I’d get to the part where I was supposed to be trapped in an elevator with someone, earnestly gazing at them while they sang “Have a Little Faith In Me” and I’d be like “Op, yep, not doing this.” Legit laughing out loud. This sucks. If I were at a party and Bon Jovi was playing I would be so sad. Do you know what I mean? Like they could be playing Rihanna or Trick Daddy, but they’re playing Bon Jovi and there’s nothing you can do to change how his music sounds.

I say this as a woman who has no interest in men: nothing is less attractive than when a man flips his side part out of his face. Is that just a huge bummer for a lot of you? And then smoothing the side bang back all flat handedly. Ah yes, the father of my children.

Oh perfect, Michelle Pfeiffer looking like a dead body swinging from the ceiling. What and why is this happening? Michelle, girl, move your arms or something if you’re going to be put on a pulley system.

Hey it’s the guy from “According to Jim.” An old lady — whom I’m sure the screenwriters thought would be a “comedic relief” (from this comedy movie?) — says the word “bitch” and I’m so mad at her.

EW don’t say the word “horny,” Josh Duhamel (who by the way is in this movie)!! We’re not in an Axe Body Spray commercial—a place where you were definitely conceived and born.

SOMEBODY GET ME JENSON. Shut up!!!

Oh shit it’s Alex from Step By Step!

Halle Berry’s about to Skype strip for Common. Aw yeah. What if you got to Skype with either of them? He’s in the army and she is so proud. Nice.

Uh oh, cry music. Back at the club where Bon Jovi is still firing up the crowd, some drunk lady strains to kiss a statue and out loud I go, “That’s me.”

Piper Parabo sings “Don’t Let The Moonlight No,” except it’s this movie and Lea Michele is Piper Parabo. Lea Michele is so into this song.

Everything is quickly wrapping up. Sarah Jessica Parker loses and finds her child, Josh Duhamel is who cares, Ashton Kutcher once got dumped on New Year’s, Michelle Pfeiffer completes her list but is ultimately still sad, Jessica Beil has her baby but doesn’t win the money, and that’s pretty much it. Sofia Vergara’s accent.

– Erin Sullivan