Every former-white-rapper knows his base: rednecks. Rednecks aren’t able to actually come out and like hip-hop because Lil Wayne stickers don’t look dope on a four-wheeler. But, white guys rapping next to chipped-paint barns and whiskey distilleries pass the test. And with former-super-redneck candidate Rick Perry (“these bills have too many words!”) now gone from the competition, and Ron Paul a little too cerebral (“all those prep boy conservatives like him!”), Romney is the last, best hope for young rednecks everywhere who think “contraception” is either a rolled-up Wal-Mart bag or a new truck part carried at Fleet Farm.

Strippers always dance better to conservative kingpins. While I still maintain birdbrain, liberal do-gooder Don Henley’s “Dirty Laundry” is the only thing I want playing on the jukebox in my fictional strip club, most male stripping fantasies involve women taking clothes off to songs that (perhaps not ironically) flaunt debauched American values. I.E., no one’s taking clothing off to Cat Stevens’s “Peace Train.” Greed + illicit sex + polar bear rugs + hemi-powered, Slash guitar riffs are definitely the turf of Bain Capital execs.

Kid Rock’s real name is Robert James “Bob” Ritchie. Have you ever met a guy with three first names who doesn’t sympathize with at least a few planks of the John Birch Society platform?

Kid Rock’s career is like the Mitt Romney verbal slip-up personified. If Mitt’s not winning over “everyman” credentials by saying he pals around with guys who OWN NASCAR teams or betting hamburger flippers $10,000 they can get the grease off their company-issue khakis with his new stain-away product, he’s sending out press releases apologizing for verbal misfires. But, Kid Rock can sympathize. He’s the one whose summer-hit (REMEMBER!?) “All Summer Long” did the musicology no-no of lyrically referencing “Sweet Home Alabama” while actually sampling Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves of London.” (It’s okay, though, because he appears on the album cover wearing an Alabama b-ball jersey.) And who can forget “Bawitdaba,” which sounds like something that would stammer out of Romney’s mouth in a presidential debate when Obama asks him why he thinks a 15% effective tax rate is “hey, whatevs!” for a guy who makes nearly twice my annual salary—EVERY DAY!

– Dunstan McGill