-Their leaders have them make “collages,” where they cut up magazines like Redbook and Playgirl and make visual representations of their plans to go to liberal arts college and study queer theory. We’re not sure what queer theory is, but we think it is a crash course in homesexual intercourse methods that produces unemployable graduates who go immediately on welfare.

-They bake cookies but purposely make them tiny enough to be the soulless simulacra of housewife cooking in order to mock men, slapping them on the face as they gorge, gorge and gorge.

-They collect patches, training young girls to pursue not faith and family but endless nights at bars, unlocking “mayorships” on Foursquare.

-They learn to collect wood in the forest and light it on fire. Instead of using this as an opportunity to teach young women how to burn down Planned Parenthoods, they learn how to perform witchcraft like “seances,” destructive processes that allow girls at slumber parties to speak directly to the devil.

-They are taught to share, priming them to have an inherently communist worldview from childhood on. Instead, they should prepare the young women for the free market by teaching them to split into public figures and finance groups that will bribe the Girl Scout Leader for a larger portion of orange juice.

-The title alone, “Girl Scouts,” implies the absence of men, signifying a feminist agenda to the extreme, one that is reverse sexist. This is evident in their latest invention, mall stores where they sell their so-called “cookies,” which post an immediate threat to be even more profitable than the Boy Scouts’ entrepreneurial venture – selling Christmas wreaths.

–Becky Lang