None because you don’t like the taste – You probably talk in a baby voice.

None because you used to be addicted but have quit – You have had an unpleasant reminder of your mortality and are looking for anything to clutch onto to feel like you’re “in control.”

1 cup – You like coffee cuz you’re not a morning person but have too sensitive a digestive system to drink coffee all day.

2 cups – You have some kind of practiced routine that may or may not involve a french press and looking out your window.

3 cups – You are convinced that coffee makes you “more productive” and like to give the sense to those around you that you are “on the go.”

4 cups – You have insomnia and use alcohol or pills to get to sleep but that’s ok cuz you like to keep your body “on manual.”

5 cups – You always joke that you “don’t eat, you just drink coffee.” You probably smoke all the time too, and are a slave to an idealized version of whatever career/personal brand you are pursuing.

6 cups – You go #1 and #2 a lot.

Not sure cuz you mostly get seasonal coffees at Starbucks/Caribou – You perpetually need to lose 5 pounds.

You mostly drink cappuccinos/macchiatos/doppios and don’t count how many – You are Italian or else you are copying an Italian person in your mind.

You just drink straight espresso all day – You are either a rich person who has to work insane hours to stay so rich (and support that fancy machine in your home office) or else you work at a coffee shop and you are always hungover.

–Becky Lang has been all over this map

Photo featuring Jay Gabler