If one of your friends is sassy, confident, and was once referred to as “caliente” by a guy in a cowboy hat at the supermercado down the street from your place that has a Mexican restaurant in the back, it might be easy to fall back on calling her the “pepper” or “jalapeño.” But remember, handling a raw jalapeño without gloves can be unbelievably painful and may leave you sitting on the couch for four hours each of your hands in its own bowl of water/baking soda mix. Reserve such spicy monikers for the friend who, although spunky and good looking, is also impossible to deal with unless you’ve taken the proper precautions, like four shots of whiskey or half a Xanax. Might I suggest “radish”? The radish is an underappreciated spicy vegetable, with as much kick to it as a friend who only occasionally thinks it’s funny to punch you in the boob.

Tall vegetables, like carrots and asparagus and celery, tend to be bland. Which is convenient, because tall people also tend to be bland. Tall people have a thinner atmosphere, a personality worn thin by years and years of being socially outcast as some mutant abomination, and a general tepidness probably brought on by a slower reaction time to things that happen in the lowest quadrant of the body. “Beanstalk” implies a level of quirky adorableness that most tall people definitely lack, so you should probably opt for one of the more embarrassing aforementioned veggies. Consider adding a disparaging adjective that you swear you intend to be endearing, making nicknames like “wonky carrot,” “droopy celery” or “slow-poke ‘sparagus.”

Potatoes, while not technically a vegetable, make a pretty good nickname for a person you don’t consider to be technically your friend. This friend is just sort of always around, not getting used, because it’s easy to get tired of potatoes quickly. The potato functions as a multifarious friend metaphor. It works if your friend is rotund, thin-skinned, tasteless, versatile, lumpy, or has too many eyes. It’s particularly applicable to that friend for whom the most accurate adjective you can think of is, inexplicably, “starchy.” Everybody likes potatoes, but for some reason every kitchen in the country has a bag of them rotting in the corner.

Green vegetables are probably the most complimentary, because they’re the ones most associated with health, virility, and attractiveness. But green veggies, like humans, also have downsides. Peapod would work for that friend who is cute, petite, and likeable, but also clingy. Cucumber would suffice for one of your more strong-willed and sexually potent friends who also happens to have an acne problem. Your friend who is honorable, loyal, and majestic could be Broccoli, but it works best if they also have a pompadour. And Lettuce is for your quiet, mousy friend who is never confrontational, but also cries a lot.

Confusing vegetables like rutabagas, parsnips, and kale are for those friends who most people have a lot of trouble describing, and even more trouble getting along with. These vegetables that, gun to your head, you definitely wouldn’t be able to accurately draw a picture of, are useful nicknames for your friends who are sociopaths, severe hermits, philosophy majors, or college-age Republicans. Take care not to call them their nickname to their face, as they’ll probably ask you to explain it and you have no actual idea what kale is.

–Katie Sisneros is definitely a wonky carrot.