Wow That Was The Gayest Super Bowl Halftime Show Ever

The Super Bowl halftime show was very gay, thank you very much, Madonna. The show took classic themes that skew gay easily—marching bands, Roman warriors, world peace, Madonna–and bedazzled them, exaggerated them, and clothed them in shimmery black muumuus. One muumuu sat upon the shoulders of music’s most closeted wheel-chair bound crooner, Cee Lo Green. Cee Lo, who embodies the charisma of a piece of delicious fried food, didn’t show up until the end of the big gay celebration. He followed Nicki Minaj—the oracle of bootie who gay men love more than straight men, probably because she’s a Barbie, bitch—and M.I.A., an accented victim of war and artist whose songs oft reverberated in the halls of America’s gayer danceterias in the middle parts of the last decade. Now she’s committed to a poppier lifestyle, a cuter one that y’alls can bounce to in a more light-hearted manner. Less ‘bang bang’ goes the gun, and more ‘boom boom’ goes the booty. Earlier in the show, we saw LMFAO, a straight couple comprised of two lanky men, each in a domestic partnership with their commitment to looking like Sacha Baron Cohen characters. They played part of their song about wiggling around their penises while Madonna rode on their shoulders, bucking like a cowgirl.

So, to summarize the main points of what made the Super Bowl halftime show gay:

1) Madonna
2) Sparkling
3) ‘Warriors’
4) Cee Lo
5) ‘Wiggling’
6) Pom poms

Jason Zabel