Here’s the deal, little boys and girls. You’ve got something I really want. Now wait a second—don’t run off and tell your mom and dad that an old white guy wearing nothing but a beautiful, angelic robe is talking to you—just hear me out first. I think we can help each other.

Here’s what I’m thinking. You know those little, delicious—eh—I mean, gorgeous, or—fuh—those tiny teeth of yours? You know—the little loose ones you’ve got just barely hanging on to both your top and bottom palette? Well, as you surely know, those guys aren’t gonna be there forever, and I’m here today to make a business arrangement with you. That’s all this is, kids, is a simple business deal.

Here’s how it works. As soon your little teeth fall out—yeah, sometimes you gotta pull ’em, just man up and yank—I want you to put those teeth under your pillow. You got that? Your teeth fall out and you put them under your pillow. When you wake up, your teeth will be gone, and you know what will be in their place? A dollar. That’s right: a whole dollar. How does that sound? Something naturally falls out of your head and I pay you a dollar for it. Now, before you run off and tell mom and dad that some creepy old fairy—eh, uh—guy, wants to give you money for your baby teeth, just—be cool for a second, okay? Kids are always tattling on me and all I wanna do is give them Cold. Hard. Cash. in exchange for something they don’t even need anymore. It’s a great deal! And you don’t even need to tell me when your teeth fall out. I’ll just know. Talk about convenience, right?

So what do you say? Put your dead, rotten teeth under your pillow at night and when you wake up you’ll have an extra buck. You’re only 20 dead teeth away from a full Jackson. Think of all the Silly Bandz you could buy with that. Just think about it.

And no, I’m not going to kill you. Unless you tell your parents we had this little chat.

—Jason Zabel wants to be the Tooth Fairy when he grows up (mostly because he likes wearing robes)