How MY Conversation with a Verizon Salesperson Trying to Sell Me a Smartphone Instead of R2-D2 Would Go
Hello, sir. Yes, I’m looking for a new device. No, I guess I don’t have a lot of preferences about model or whatever, show me everything. Sure, this Spectrum looks okay. Wait, what’s that droid over there? That looks like an R2-D2 droid. It IS an R2-D2 droid? Oh my gosh, you have an R2 model right here in the store?
I’m sorry, what do you want me to look at? I mean, sure, that Spectrum looks nice. But this over here, this is an actual R2-D2 model? With all the features? Does he have that periscope that can pop up? Yeah? And the arm that can pop out and plug into any ship’s computer system? Is this one’s component powerful enough to plug into the Imperial interface? Well I don’t know, I think that sounds pretty useful. Not that I’d need it to be that powerful. And it’d be nice if it came with a USB adapter.
What? That phone is 4G? That sounds nice, I guess. One little-known fact about R2-D2 units is that they have a stun gun. A mild one, of course. It’s embarrassing that I know so much about droids—I’m such a nerd. I’ll bet that’s standard on this R2 unit, right? Is he programmed to understand English? Because I don’t have a protocol droid to translate, so I’d need this one to understand me.
Sorry, what were you saying? I can’t link my social media accounts to this R2? Well, can I record hologram messages on the phone you’re holding, sir? Look, guy, I’m not sure we understand each other here. Those are not the Droids I’m looking for. Ha! Get it? Get…I was quoting…never mind. I’d like to go with this R2 unit. Finicky, you say? Look, pal, as far as I’ve ever known, this little droid always seems to be worth any trouble he causes.
What’s that? I won’t be able to use all his functions without an x-wing starfighter? I’d have to get an x-wing starfighter, you’re telling me? Well I’ll just have to learn to live with that hardship. Come on, R2.