Snakes and Ladders

Original Lesson: Watch where you step or you might slip on a snake. This game became popular as “Chutes and Ladders,” where the lesson changed to, “Don’t steal cookies or you’ll slide down a really long slide (which is probably really fun, so you should actually steal the cookies).”

Modern version: Cords and Ladders

New Lesson: Be home before curfew or your iPhone charger will get unplugged.

Candyland

Original Lesson: Winning doesn’t even get you candy and/or candy is dangerous because you could encounter an evil licorice guy or a scary blob of molasses. (They later changed the game board, so all the characters looked happy and non-threatening.)

Modern version: Trans-fat Land, featuring the evil Chicken Pot Pied Piper

New Lesson: Trans-fats will kill you.

Cootie

Original Lesson: Cooties aren’t bad! They’re adorable!

Modern Version: Herpes

New Lesson: Herpes are pretty disgusting, even in pink and purple.

Operation

Original Lesson: You can’t be a real surgeon if you have shaky hands because you’ll make your patient’s nose light up, silly! Also, the rubber band in your own leg could come undone if you’re not careful.

Modern version:  Operation: E.R. Edition

New Lesson: Don’t fuck up during this heart valve replacement or your patient will squirt blood in your face. Then you’ll have to pay the “lawyer” all of your play money for your malpractice lawsuit. (Requires: 4 DD batteries, wi-fi, and fake blood.)

Sorry

Original Lesson: It’s good to apologize for screwing people over. (This game is to blame for the origin of the snarky, punk-ass little bitch kid.)

Modern Version:  That’s Life

New Lesson: Going back to the start will happen to you…several times. Sometimes you can’t even get very far from home, even though your buddy, Dr. Green Piece, is rounding the board for his third time.

Life

Original Lesson: If you adopt babies and donate money and go back to night school, you will retire happily ever after.

Modern Version: Death, featuring all new custom Death tiles

New Lesson: That deep-fried candy bar you ate at the State Fair took 3 years off your life. Also, you shouldn’t have chosen the job of “construction worker” because now you have Stage 2 Melanoma from working in the sun for 20 years.

-Heidi Thomasoni

(Original Photo from Once Upon A Win)