If you pin one more effing lacy, sweetheart neckline wedding dress, I swear to Vera Wang I will slap you in the mouth. Also, I know I haven’t talked to you since high school, but Facebook tells me you’re still as single as the microwavable serving of mac and cheese I ate while sobbing over the most recent episode of The Bachelor, so why on earth do you have 859 pins on your wedding-themed board titled “Someday I’ll Be Somebody’s Everything?” *Gagging noises* Your future wedding looks to be a very eclectic/stupidly random assortment of vintage suitcase centerpieces, dub step DJs and rainbow-colored jello shots. What do you call that theme again? Gay-Jamaican-Yesteryear-Chic? Well, you’re a pioneer, I’ll give you that.In other news, Ryan Gosling is never going to love you. I’m sorry. Someone needed to tell you that. No matter how many black and white photos you pin of him looking forlorn/lovesick with no shirt on, he would still never offer to be a bird with someone who got a C- in gym because she wouldn’t jump off the diving board. It was a three foot fall, for Christ’s sake.

Lastly, STOP MAKING EVERYTHING OUT OF USED WINE CORKS! Why would anyonewant to sit on a toilet seat made of wine corks?!

1. Uncomfortable
2. Your butt would always smell like Riesling (‘cuz that’s what girls like you drink) and, thus, dogs would probably follow you around
3. I’ve never actually seen a wine cork toilet seat on Pinterest, but I seriously wouldn’t put it past you since your “Corky Crafts” board has more pins than your nuptial smorgasbord mentioned above

OK, my bad, this has turned into a full-fledged rant. But I really must insist on one thing. Could you at least write a legitimate caption under your pins so that I’m able to grasp why you pin something so stupid? “OMG :)” and “♥~♥~♥” offer little to no insight as to your thought process behind pinning that photo of a penguin wearing basketball sneakers. I’m just trying to understand here.