Sunbathe. Failing that, wear blush or bronzer or that orangey stuff guys fake tans with on the Jersey Shore. There’s just something about an unnatural natural complexion that really says, “I’m alive and I will be this young forever.” The expert level of this habit is getting plastic surgery, because electing to get chopped open and stretched around in the name of the fountain of youth is just a classic I’m-afraid-to-die move.

On your calendar, set events to recur daily, weekly, monthly, or yearly. You can select a birthday, for instance, and check a box that will have it repeatedly appear on your calendar until any date you choose. You can even ask that it never stop recurring, which is what I do for all the birthdays of people I love. It’s the only way to insure their immortality.

Exercise regularly. Getting in shape is one of those things people like to think will make you live longer, but that’s only assuming you don’t get hit by a bus before then. Drown out those nagging voices telling you to buckle your seatbelt and ride your bike with a helmet by jogging every morning.

Make a movie that is a thinly-veiled version of your life and problems. Mumblecore indie films are the latest in a long line of movie genres that goes all the way back to Woody Allen where the subtext of the main characters’ narcissism is a symptom of their fear of death. At least, that’s what you tell yourself to justify having watched a bunch of self-involved Manhattanites for two and a half hours of your swiftly-fading life.

Eat frozen yogurt instead of ice cream. This will make you feel healthy and vibrant and keep your morbid thoughts from returning—at least until the brain freeze has worn off.

– Hope Rehak

Photo by Photon Bomb (Creative Commons)