How To Assess A Potential Bro Hook Up Based on How Many Bros He Brings to the Bar

How To Assess A Potential Bro Hook Up Based on How Many Bros He Brings to the Bar


Bros have a bad rep for a good reason. Their exaggerated macho behavior suggests serious overcompensation, but hey, they’re kind of fun to sleep with sometimes. For those of us who don’t have a lot of bro-friends, it can be intimidating to try to fuck one. The worst case scenario (aside from horrible sex) is having your shit put on blast after the hookup, as bros are wont to do. I’ve compiled some guidelines, easy to use on the fly, to help identify the more suitable/discreet bros to bang (please take a moment to readjust your definition of “suitable”).

If he’s arrived at the bar…

Alone.

Alone at a bar is at the very least, concerning. While his being alone at a bar seriously increases the chances of getting him in bed with you, I don’t suggest it. There are too many risk factors. He might just be a confident dude, he might be a potential predator. The odds are that he’s just a horny misanthrope and not a serial killer, but either way, don’t take your chances. It’s always good to have at least one or two other people accompanying your target to serve as a character check before committing to spending time alone and naked with another person.

with 1-3 bros.

This is the golden zone of bro-company. By showing up to the bar with one to three bros, your target is suggesting he has a close group of friends but that his actions aren’t necessarily affected by the group opinion of his bro contingent. This is ideal, because he’s much less likely to tell his bro clan about every little detail of the sex you had together. Go with it.

4-5 bros.

You’re sort of in the danger zone, but it really depends on the type of guys they are at this point. Are the bros only socializing with one another, or do they branch out? Are they all drinking the exact type of drink? You’ll be able to suss out what sort of bro clan they are within a couple minutes of observing them. If they carry on conversations with people not of their own bro clan for more than 10 minutes, I’d say you’re in the clear. If they tend to gravitate back to one another after 1-5 minutes of conversation, keep looking.

7 or more bros.

This is a yikes. If your target came with a pack it’s likely that a) he’s a bit of a slut-shamer or b) he’ll care too much about his reputation within his bro clan to keep his trap shut about your night together. It’s much more likely you’ll be talked about in a derogatory way sometime in the future. Who has time for this? Go find somebody else. It’s quite annoying to have the friends of a man you’ve slept with friend request you on facebook soon after the sex, or to run into them at a bar and notice them looking at you a little more carefully. Get off my dick, bro, ain’t nothing for you here.

There is one exception–if it’s a bachelor party then your anonymity is likely to be preserved in a oddly sentimental “that girl from Danny’s bAchELoR pArTY!!!!!!!” kind of way– you’re in the clear. Nobody cares because to them, it will have been a novelty lay. Do you, baby girl.

Ali Kehoe

  • This is the worst thing I have ever read in my life. It made me reevaluate the human race and chug antifreeze. Now I am dead. Thanks a lot.