8. Cupid or Custer or Some Shit Like That: You know who I’m talking about. The one between Comet and Donner in the song. Is it Cupid? Or Coopid? Well I don’t like you, man. Can’t even remember your name. Forget you.

7. Next up, um, Donner, yeah, let’s go with him: According to the claymation film, wasn’t Donner technically speaking Rudolph’s surrogate father? Or was Donner putting on a little red, gym class coach hat, blowing a whistle at the little reindeer pups out on the ice?! Yeah, I like that. You’re okay, dude. Better than that last ambiguously-named screw up.

6. Dasher: I think there was a film about him, maybe from the late 80s or early 90s that may have sorta scared you as a kid? Like real, live reindeer—which is waaay scarier than claymation. But I like this guy because I think (if I’m remembering the film right) he taught me zoological differences between reindeer and your run-of-the-mill caribou (can’t fly).

5. Blitzen: Never received any face time in a major motion picture far as I know. But best name by far. Blitzen!? I mean, come on!? I bet he was a somabitch in those reindeer games! Am I right?!

4. Dancer: Um, booooring. You’re here just because I forgot about you till now. You mean nothing to me, Dancer. Go eat some hay.

3. Comet: Same as guy above you, except you got some home cleanser named after you. “Boys why don’t you go outside and play for awhile, I just sprayed Comet in the kitchen.” That’s all you mean to me. Did you even get a spot on the sleigh-pulling duties? Bet that stings a little.

(I’m actually having to Google the last two of these dummy quadrapeds)

2. Vixen: Likely the Amelia Earhardt of Reindeer. Busted through the glass ceiling. In terms of gender, if you’re a girl reindeer, can you have antlers? Maybe. I like this better if she’s a boy, though—maybe the one who keeps Santa on his toes.

1. Prancer: I don’t have time for this. Seriously? That’s his name? How would you like to be slapped with that name for eternity? I’d rather be an unhappy, wanna-be-dentist elf.

– Dunstan McGill

p.s. If I had my druthers, this list would be topped with Rudolph. But we all know he’s a fabrication of the American PR industry anyway.