1. Yeah, you hate American politics: the corruption, the lies, the propaganda. Unfortunately, Europeans hate them, too, and they think of you as a representative of your country. Even more unfortunately? If you’re American and you’re living in Europe, you might actually be the only representative of your country your local friends know.
2. You might have been cute in the midwest, but now you are competing with (depending where you are): Heidi Klum lookalikes; women whose skin and breasts make marble statues jealous; an entire continent that knows how to correctly use hair products; and millions of competing, adorable accents. Even homeless guys in Europe look put together.
3. The buildings are so old and so beautiful! Yeah, but the stairwells and doorframes are also too narrow for a 21st-century American-sized body, and your apartment is falling down all around you. Plus, buildings that predate the American Revolution host very special forms of fungi.
4. Remember the credit downgrade? The European Union does! Imagine seeing a latte for the equivalent of eight dollars and getting excited. Or checking the exchange rates daily to see whether you can afford a new sweater.
5. The pastries and bread are indeed more delicious than any pale imitation you’d find at Trader Joe’s, but they’re also on every street corner. And, having been raised in America, you haven’t developed the European discipline of eating only at mealtimes. It’s like a sport with them to figure out when exactly your need to snack will overwhelm your will to assimilate. Hint: it’s usually between breakfast and lunch.