Princeton: First of all, I want to say that I think it’s really unfair for people to criticize Disney for making the new Muppet a 30-year-old white guy. White guys are human—er, puppet—too, guys! If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you prick us, do we not leak stuffing?
Christmas Eve: Why you have to be so racist, Princeton?
Kate Monster: I don’t understand why people are having a problem with Miss Piggy being “sexualized” because of one quick sight gag involving her crotch and Jack Black’s face. Puppets are sexual! We have always been sexual, and Miss Piggy has been an icon for all of us. Princeton and I never could have had our extended full-penetration sex scene in front of audiences around the world if Miss Piggy hadn’t led the way with her unashamed horniness on national TV.
Rod: Well, I thought the film was just delightful—though I was disappointed that Kermit and the rest of the entertainment elite gave Sam Eagle such a small role. There was absolutely no play given to Sam’s insightful analysis of why the anti-growth policies of the Clinton and Obama Administrations led to the Muppets’ financial bottoming-out, and Sam’s been very candid in sharing his view that the character of “Tex Richman” was a gross caricature of the entrepreneurs who make this country great.
Nicky: But Rod, Sam Eagle also supports a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.
Rod: SO?! Nicky, why would that mean anything at all to me?! That has absolutely nothing to do with my life!
Brian: I was just really hoping they’d bring back Mark Hamill to be the celebrity host.
Trekkie Monster: Trekkie Monster not appreciate whitewashing of Rolf’s lucrative career in PORN! Why you think Rolf depicted living life of leisure? It because he a DOG who hung like a HORSE!
Lucy the Slut: Personally, I prefer a Muppet with a lot of energy, a sense of adventure, and a great big beak.
Gary Coleman: In a movie full of references to 80s pop culture icons, you know who they forgot to reference? That’s right, Gary Coleman! There wasn’t even one “whatchutalkinbout”!
Bad Idea Bear #1: Hey, you know what The Muppets really needs?
Bad Idea Bear #2: A sequel!
Bad Idea Bears: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!