My car is a concert venue in which I put on frequent performances. My car has roughly 20 speakers, so it’s a very authentic experience. I have a wide range of vocal talents, and I am never certain whether I will be rapping or singing a ballad. Because of this, I make sure I am prepared for any and every car ride. I try to get plenty of sleep and drink lots of water to keep my voice in prime condition. I also spend a lot of time reading lyrics online because it’s pretty embarrassing to mumble most of a verse. (Even if I nail the chorus.)

The acoustics in my car make sure I always sound amazing. In my car, I am able to hit the high notes and change the key if I cannot hit the low notes. My car does not judge my shaky vibrato because it knows it is a work in progress.  Sometimes I like to drive down bumpy roads and sing a really long note because it makes me sound just like Celine Dion. Sometimes I roll down the back windows just a little bit to drown out the impurities in my voice.

Tickets to my car performances are difficult to obtain. They are difficult to obtain because I never actually release them to the public. You cannot get into my car concerts unless I really, really like you and feel you won’t criticize my rendition of Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light.” (It has taken years of practice to master both male and female parts and continue with full passion through all eight minutes.)

If you are allowed to attend a car performance, you are not allowed to touch my radio buttons. Yes, my presets are embarrassing, but they are purely for performance purposes. I would never make you play basketball in ballet shoes or throw away your condoms before a date; it’s called respect for the craft. These radio stations supply me with random set lists every single day. Of course, I have less embarrassing stations programmed on my radio, but I am consistently let down by the lack of “singable” songs. There is only one place to find heart-pumping, booty-shaking tunes, and that place is popular radio. I couldn’t possibly utilize my diva hands during a folk song.

I take my talent very seriously. Each performance is a journey to self-discovery, and most people are not ready for that. When I pull up to a stoplight, I stop slightly before the car next to me, so that I can continue feeling whatever it is Bruno Mars feels when he sings about grenades. I often have to adjust my mirrors, so the car behind me cannot see me ever so softly closing my eyes and nodding my head. These are private moments. Private moments that are to stay within my tiny, hopefully soundproof, auditorium.

–Heidi can sometimes sing Taylor Swift songs better than Taylor Swift.

(Photo Credit)