“You’d think [something pretty boring that hints at your frustration]. I guess that is just too much to ask.”

Examples:
“You’d think everyone knows simple algebra. I guess that is just too much to ask.”
“You’d think my ex would get the hint that I’ve moved on. I guess that is just too much to ask.”
“You’d think $20 would fill up a gas tank. I guess that is just too much to ask.”

“I must be doing something right if [something that surprised you and will probably surprise people that know you well]!”

Examples:
“I must be doing something right if my wife wants to sleep in our bed tonight!”
“I must be doing something right if my dinner didn’t burn this time!”
“I must be doing something right if the police haven’t found me yet!”

“[Something sarcastically shocking]? Well, I wasn’t expecting that!”

Examples:
“The hurricane completely missed NYC? Well, I wasn’t expecting that!”
“Kim Kardashian got a divorce? Well, I wasn’t expecting that!”
“Global warming is real? Well, I wasn’t expecting that!”

“[Something ridiculous that happened to you that you mainly want to brag about]. I’m never doing that again!”

Examples:
“I almost shit my pants skydiving. I’m never doing that again!”
“Waited in line overnight to get the new iPhone. I’m never doing that again!”
“Went to an outdoor Taylor Swift concert in the pouring rain. I’m never doing that again!”

“[Oddly humorous situation]. If that’s not [noun people would not associate with that situation], I don’t know what is.”

Examples:
“My boyfriend clipped my toenails for me. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
“Made delicious pad thai with packets of Ramen noodles and leftover McDonald’s scrambled eggs. If that’s not gourmet, I don’t know what is.”
“Chased my chihuahua around a parking lot. If that’s not exercise, I don’t know what is.”

–Heidi didn’t actually submit that status update.