1. Nachos
You brought nachos?! You are the best type of human. Everyonelikes nachos. They’re my third favorite Mexican import (behind MTV Spring Break episodes and Diego Luna, obvi). Don’t forget the meat though. Oh wait, there are vegetarians coming to your football party, you say? Ha ha ha, that’s a funny joke. Everyone knows vegetarians don’t like/watch/do sports. Beef it up, homie.2. Taco Dip
The only thing that would make this football watching party better would be if we had a whole bathtub full of taco dip. We could take turns sitting in it and then licking it off of our own bodies, or others’ bodies if you wanna bump this up to a sexy football watching party. It’s up to you, though, cuz I’d put taco dip above sex any day.

3.  Wings
Sunday is football day and your Friday paycheck is burning a hole in your team-colors Zubaz. Want to show off your work promotion in a subtle way? Call up Buffalo Wild Wings and order one wing in everyone of their 137 (approximate numeric guesstimation) different sauces. When they deliver the wings and everybody cheers and hugs you and sheds a single tear of carnivorous joy, just shrug and act like you do this every night. Ballerrrrrr.

4. Pizza
Either you’re lazy or you’re in college. Or you’re a lazy college kid in which case you probably got a thin crust frozen pizza to feed eight people. Pizza is not for football, you n00b. Pizza is for little kiddie parties and eating at 3 a.m. after the bars close. And do not try to feed me a margarita pizza and say it’s all gourmet and organic and stuff. Fuuuuuck you Martha Stewart, go weed my garden or build me a bird feeder out of recycled goods or whatever.

5. Popcorn & Trail Mix
You’re an idiot. This is not substantial food for someone who needs to yell a lot and pay moderate attention to this runny/throwy sport thing that’s on for the next three hours. Where will I get my strength? Well, I’ll tell you how I’m going to deal with this. I’mma smash this stuff into the cracks of your couch so you’re still finding remnants of this epic food choice failure at next year’s Super Bowl. I’m also going to throw it at the TV every time the ref makes a call I don’t like, which is most calls because I have absolutely no grasp on the rules of football. We’ll all pretend we’re playing the “Try to throw it in my mouth” game, but in reality, we’re playing the “Let’s make this cheap ass feel sorry he’s ever heard of Chex Mix” game.

6. Champagne Tower
OK, honey, we appreciate the fact that you and your boyfriend moved into a new apartment and you’re thinking it’s any day that he pops the question, but you’re trying a little too hard. This isn’t a baby shower; this is FOOTBALL. The truth is, if you serve people wearing sweatpants a glass of champagne, it’s like calling them out for being a slob. Now they think you’re a bitch. So, if you would, vacuum up all that “Go Team!” confetti, pack up those pink football-shaped cupcakes and for the love of Tom Brady’s beautiful face, stop playing “Tonight’s Gonna Be A Good Night” by the Black Eyed Peas every time our team scores.

– Kelsey McDonough hates football, but boy oh boy, does she EVER like snacks!