1. If you clearly haven’t sold enough ad space to fill the 15 commercial spots you have built into every free episode, please do not simply run your own promos over and over again. Seeing 8,000 ads for the pilot episode of Hart of Dixie more “fills me with rage” than makes me want to watch it.

2. Do not exit full screen every commercial break. I appreciate that you assume that I won’t watch your commercial and will indeed dip over to Facebook to look at pictures of my 4th-grade best friend’s baby. Very realistic of you. But what you might not realize is that sometimes I’m wrapped in 3 different kinds of bedding, eating cheese with one hand and painting my toenails with the other, and I don’t want to get up and re-enter full screen every time we stop the show to watch Zooey Deschanel march around in front of pictures of mascara.

3. Do not have intense commercials that take way longer to load than the show I was watching. Yes the T-Mobile girl is cute, but watching her lumber in slowly like a zombie doesn’t make me want to give up my iPhone.

4. Do not build in doo-dads like maps or cute choices into your ad. I don’t want to choose between a 2-minute spot or regular 30-second commercials (although I choose the latter, every time). I don’t want to press any buttons in your commercial at all. Please commence showing spicy enchiladas or blowing up cars and then we’ll go our own ways.

5. Do not ask if this commercial is relevant to me. Doesn’t everyone answer “no” to that because we all think that we are free-thinking individuals, untouchable by the forces of capitalist marketing? Let us keep this cute illusion up, please. The only thing relevant to me is Parks and Rec, let’s get back to it.

–Becky Lang