1. Take control.

Most people tell me I’m indecisive. It’s not that I’m indecisive, I just tend to overanalyze things. Yeah I’ll buy some new socks, as soon as I figure out which ones are the best. So while you’re laying there thinking about that guy from the frat party last weekend, I’m trying to decide what the best next move is. A squeeze here? A twist there? Maybe a lick somewhere? I really have no idea what you want me do. Please, just save me the stress and throw me on my back already.

2. Tie me up.

Ok, I’ll admit it… I can be a little selfish sometimes. I believe the phrase “selfish douchebag who only thinks about himself” was tossed around (rather loosely, in my opinion) by an ex at some point. But you see, that just makes me sound like a bad person. And I’m not a bad person, right? Sure, I should probably be doing something with my hands right now to help you out, but I’d really rather not. Get the fuzzy handcuffs and take away that predicament. It helps me live with myself.

3. Blindfold me.

My glass is usually half full, and my clouds full of silver. An eternal optimist. I think it makes me a good person, no matter what any of my ex’s say. Do I know why I’m smiling right now? Absolutely not. Even though I really have no idea what you are doing to me with this tube sock tied around my head, I’m going to go ahead and hope for the best.

4. Play with my butt.

I’ve always been a curious young man. Usually in the “how does this gadget work?” sort of way, but sometimes in the more taboo “what happens when you put your finger here?” sort of way. Yeah, yeah, go ahead and tack a point on my Kinsey scale, just don’t judge me. Wait, how many points? You ever tried being a homophobic homosexual, jackass?

5. Hold me.

Despite being an indecisive, curious, optimist who only thinks about himself, I could use a little bit of confidence. Because of this, I will desperately seek your approval while wrapping my gangly arms around you. Was it good for you? Are you sure? What about the squeeze and that twist, did you like that? Ok good. While others do it all for the nookie, I do it all for the post-coital cuddle session.

– Patrick Kleckler

Photo by Mr. T in DC (Creative Commons)