A Timeline of Anxious Feelings You Have at the Dentist
Age 4: What’s a dentist? I don’t like this at all. GET ME OUTTA HERE.
Age 7: Thanks for noticing the cute gap in my front teeth. Ha, there’s a picture of a kitty batting at a flower on the ceiling! What are you doing? OUCH. OUCH. I think I’m going to vomit. Oh, a sticker and a piece of gum. Thank you. I still hope I never come here again.
Age 9: I see. My teeth are growing in extremely crooked, I have a 20% overbite and I also have 3 cavities. I did not know that I was so flawed as a human. Please continue poking at my teeth until they bleed while I sit in contemplative silence. Yes I still want a prize when you’re done.
Age 9, 1 month later: What are you putting on my face? Eh? Oooh. Haha. Counting backward from 10! I hear a drill, somewhere in the distance.
Age 10: Look, I don’t know if breathing through my nose will help me not vomit on you while you put these oversize X-ray thingies in my mouth. These large trays of fluoride don’t exactly fit either. Do I just have an unusually tiny mouth? I just swallowed. Like a lot. Now I’m actually vomiting.
Age 11: I DO NOT want to go back there. Last time I spent the whole afternoon throwing up because of that fake goo that doesn’t even taste that much like bubblegum. Can I skip forward through time? Please God?
Age 13: Just got my braces off. Feeling like hot shit. I just have to get this pesky gum surgery done before I have picket fence teeth my whole life. Apparently there will be novocaine. … That must have been 3 hours. I can’t stop drooling all over my face. What’s that mom? They told you they used about 30 shots of novocaine? I get a medal right?
Age 14: I have how many cavities? 7? I need to switch to diet pop forever? Shoot me with novocaine, I don’t care! I’ve seen it all. No I don’t want a prize.
Age 16: Yes, I switched to diet. Been eating carrots instead of Skittles. Not because of you though. Because I’m a teenage girl and have nothing to do but obsessively think about my weight. You say I have no cavities? I’m a star!
Age 19: Hope the dentist doesn’t notice I’ve been smoking! The dental hygienist is so cool, and she totally knows my roommate! Wish we could be friends. Oops, I have 3 cavities. Going to get the, “Floss or I have to spend money on your irresponsibility” talk from mom.
Age 24: Please no cavities. Please. I do not want to spend my little amounts of extra income on $125 fillings, nor do I want to shamefully call my mom and ask her for money. Poke away, do what you want. Just don’t find any expensive problems, please.
Photo by Old Shoe Woman