10 a.m.  – Casual Scarf Wrapping 101

Learn how to drape your scarf over your hoodie and under your peacoat in a way that says, “I’m not as studious as I look, don’t worry. I just come from old money.”

11 a.m. – The History of Abercrombie and Fitch

Did you know we started as a hunting wear store? Come read our Wikipedia page while drinking Johnnie Walker out of exquisite leather flasks.

— Break for lunch —

1 p.m. Sexual Integrity

We were once known for our artistic celebration of the nude body to promote our clothes. Recently, we’ve been overshadowed by an unnamed company full of “leo-tards.” We’ll discuss how we can regain our edge.

2 p.m. Scaling the John M. Hollister Foundation

How can we give back to our humble Hollister customers by helping them get the basic food and shelter they need to survive – and thrive?

 3. p.m. Puka Shells – Under the Microscope

We’ll teach you how to recognize a quality puka shell by measuring its width, chain-hole and degree of real, ocean-fresh shabbiness.

 4. p.m. Selecting the Ideal Customer

Learn simple sales-floor tricks for distinguishing whether or not mall meanderers have what it takes to wear our clothes. For example, what do you do if someone comes in speaking another language? Where can you hide the size XL in the event of a “butterbody?”

 5 a.m. – Affirmations

Sick of dealing with the jealousy, anger and resentment people direct at you for being generally more physically fit and having effortless, just-got-back-from-the-beach hair? Get it all out. We’ll give you tools for dealing with reverse racism.

We hope you enjoy your experience.

–Becky Lang