I Will Be the Most Feared Adult at This Indoor Water Park
I will be the most feared adult at this indoor water park. I will assert my dominance over this damp kingdom armed with little more than a steely reserve and this wet towel here with which I will not hesitate to fwap you in the back of the thighs. Hear me children; you are my minions! Place your floatie arm wing atop my head and crown me Sultan of the Water Slides. I will open my mouth and drink plentifully from the glorious fountain spraying from the hallowed shores of the lazy river.
The tube slide is not a right; it is a privilege. You think just because your parents bought an all-inclusive weekend pass to this woodsy family fun resort in northern Minnesota that you can just traipse up the stairs like you’re Ricky Martin and slide? Well you can. But only because I’m letting you. For I am a fickle ruler, and you enjoy yourself only when I see fit. On a whim, I may decide to climb to the top of the plastic tree house in the middle of the pool and pelt you with rubber balls until you slip and fall back down the metal stairs, presumably to your death. Your extermination is of no consequence to me; there will always be more children.
Alright, plebeians. Out of the hot tub. Your Dear Leader demands alone time while she soaks and relaxes. What’s that? You’d like to use the hot tub after me, if I wouldn’t mind too much please and thank you? Well suuuure you can! If you can withstand 212 degree water on your precious skin, as I’m turning it up the second I get out. That’s Fahrenheit, smartasses. If you want a tepid 212 degrees Kelvin, go back to the pool. Although I wouldn’t suggest doing that either, as I just swam laps while peeing (they call them “pee laps”) in order to mark my territory.
Please no running? I’ll run as much as I fucking want and you’ll stare in shock and amazement as I effortlessly sprint around the pool without falling down. Once you fear-spect me, I will order you to line up five at a time right at the bottom of the fastest tube slide. “Tally-ho!” I will cry as I launch myself down the slide. I suggest closing your eyes and thinking about how much better your water park experience has been since I came to power; it’ll make me plowing feet-first into your frightened little faces at 40 miles an hour hurt a little less.
BOW TO ME, as I dump water on your from the giant pull-string bucket. SING MY PRAISES, while I paddle-kick around the shallow end in an inner tube and run you all over. It’s a metaphor for the effects of an unchecked totalitarian regime, guys. Don’t you get it? See, this is why you can’t lead yourselves.
There’s nothing weird about a childless twenty-five year old in a family water park, as long as SHE’S THE ONE IN CHARGE.