1. If you drink out of a public drinking fountain, you will get herpes.
2. If you try on a baseball hat at the store, you will get lice. Or bed bugs.
3. La Crosse, Wisconsin is a giant metropolis.
4. Your ex boyfriend, the engineer, was just so dependable/practical/etc., and she just doesn’t understand whyyyyy you keep hanging out with these “artsy” boys who have no future.
5. Nancy Grace is the smartest woman on television. And has the best hair.
6. Also, Tot Mom is a dirty liar.
7. Pop-Tarts alone do not equal a balanced breakfast, but Pop-Tarts and apple juice do.
8. If you use Facebook, you will be contacted, stalked, assaulted and killed by a sexual predator.
9. Vodka is for whores and homeless people.
10. The vacuum carpet lines in the living room are not to be stepped on. For any reason.
11. Student loan payments are really only like $50 a month. And can’t you just push them off until you get back together with the engineer?
12. Couscous is an exotic delicacy.
13. Nick Lachey is a pig. Jessica is better off without him.
14. Don’t shake hands with Mr. Thompson at church, she heard that he has gonorrhea and you might catch it.
15. Google searchers for “how to get your daughter to get back with her ex boyfriend the engineer” on the family computer won’t save if she hits the “x” when she’s done.
Disclaimer: I love my mother, and her worldview.