Patrick

Patrick is a crier, which is a huge turn-off. Thank god he’s got that soul patch to make up for it, eh? Anyway, those tears are gonna get a lot wetter when his beloved wife leaves him because she was a chubby chaser. It’s OK, though, because he’ll probably meet a nice gal named something like Nancy or Karen who was so inspired by him that she lost 300 million pounds and took up online dating which eventually led her to him. Pat finally worked up the nerve to kiss Nancy/Karen McPleatedKhakis after their eleventh date and they’ve been doing hybrid Subway/eHarmony commercials, hand-in-hand, ever since.

Jennifer

This spicy lady has never let her weight keep her down, except for the whole gravity thing, but that happens to everyone. She has a successful career in news production, but after Biggest Loser her station promotes her to weekend anchor – heck yes! She’s now famous for her sign-off catchphrase “That’s the news, now get off the couch and lose your pouch, fatties!” as well as her habit of dating Jersey Shore lookalikes.

Bonnie
 

Bonnie is a downhome honey, to be sure. She’s got a bum knee, but just see if that stops her from applying her eyebrow pencil! No way, Jose! After losing 100+ pounds Bonnie renewed her lease on life and opened a hair salon called “Full Throttle Fabulosity” where they specialize in short, spikey Grandma-in-denial ‘dos and play exclusively Kelly Clarkson and P!nk Pandora stations.

Ramon

This 27-year-old tattoo artist is going to knock your effing socks off with sexual desire as soon as reduces his body size by approximately 68%. Not only does Ramon have the best attitude of the entire cast but he is also as close to being an actual teddy bear as a human could be, scientifically speaking. After going all the way and winning the grand prize of $200 or whatever they get, Ramon went back to his native Colorado and blew it all on a neck tattoo that says “Faith. Love. Elliptical.” He has 14 girlfriends, each one a different ethnicity.

Jessica

Jesssssss. As the only contestant that seems like they may have actually had sex within the last 5 years, Jess effortlessly slid into the token “Sex-Pot-on-a-Reality-Show” roll. She got surprisingly fit after learning to channel her sexuality into power lifting and she’s now the face of Lululemon Athletica. Her love life seems to be at a standstill, however, due to the fact that her Creatine habit causes her to have severe facial veins and emit a female tennis player grunt whenever she takes a step.

–Kelsey McDonough