Awhile ago, my brother-in-law Matt decided to grow a mustache. He had just seen a “really cool kids’ band” where the guy had “an awesome mustache” and felt inspired. As it got longer and longer, more and more waxed and curled on the ends, my mom got more and more confused.
“What a quirky guy,” she remarked. “I don’t get it.”
I chalked it up to the fact that the housing crisis left my sister and her husband trapped in the Michele Bachman suburbs, and the mustache was his way of reconnecting with his city-kid, hipster roots.
“It would make sense if you lived in Minneapolis, mom,” I told her.
A few months later I was on a date with a tall, mustachioed man who was talking about a music festival he had played with his “kids band-like-thing.” It slowly occurred to me that I was on a date with the origin of Matt’s mustache.
I told my sister about it and she said, “Ooh! We can both be dating mustache men.”
Dating a mustache man – truths:
1. You might secretly want him to shave it or you might not.
My sister’s enthusiasm for her husband’s ‘stache eventually waned, and soon Matt’s face was hairless once again. It was clear that a small part of him was gone.
Since getting closer and closer to the original mustache prototype, Neil, I’ve considered whether I will ever give a razor-specific ultimatum.
“Do you like your face better with mustache?” I asked him.
“Not necessarily. My face is just my face.”
I don’t think I ever will. I don’t mind mustache, I don’t mind stubble, I don’t mind beard. If I truly like a man’s face, he can style the hair how he pleases.
2. Kissing a guy with a mustache – not that weird.
3. Mustache men worry about how children/parents perceive them.
Sometimes I’ll catch Neil looking at promo pictures for his band somewhat sadly, and he’ll ask me, “Is it too creepy that I play birthday parties with this mustache?”
4. A mustache will get you randomly confronted on the street.
“Is your mustache real man?” guys will shout at Neil.
“I get asked that all the time,” he tells me, stroking his mustache to prove to himself its veracity.
Sometimes he’ll get “Nice mustache,” either sincerely or ironically.
When it comes to fellow mustache-havers, it’s an immediate bond.
5. They have tiny combs.
I found a regular barber comb in Neil’s room and asked if it was his mustache comb.
“No, my mustache comb is much smaller,” he replied, taking out a tiny, grey, Barbie-sized comb.
6. Behind their backs, people give them a mustache-centric nickname.
A guy who works at the cafe next to my agency is known as “Mustache Matt.” Not sure if he knows about this. Luckily, Neil’s name isn’t easily lent to alliteration.
Photo, Neil, taken off his Facebook.
Fun photo extras:
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