Security questions I am asked:
- Where did you go on your honeymoon?
Shut up, Associated Bank, I’m sure you can put two and two together when my bank statement showcases nightly visits to the gas station to buy pints of Ben & Jerry’s.
- What’s your favorite sports team?
What team is Tom Brady on again? Does Dancing with the Stars count?
- What’s your pet’s name?
You think I’m ready for a pet?! I can barely afford Chef Boyardee with how much I spend on vodka crans and Urban Outfitters sunglasses, so unless that dog likes to eat Walgreens nail polish and the smell of Internet, I’m afraid I don’t have much to offer it.
- What’s your middle name?
Oh yeah, that’s real safe and secure. Everyone knows girls only have three options for middle names: Marie, Anne, or Rose.
- What’s your beverage of choice?
Diet Coke? Cheap wine? Boxed wine? Five-Hour Energy? How’s a girl to choose?
- What was the make and model or your first car?
Umm, a blue one?
Questions I should be asked instead:
- When do you hope to get a boyfriend?
- How much does a whiskey ginger cost at that bar down the street from your house on Tuesday between 7 and 10 p.m. (with tax)?
- Do you have more than $1,000 in your bank account?
- Which was the best Britney?
Bald/Umbrella Britney, obvi.
- Jeggings? FroYo? Acronyms?