The SIMS Guide to Getting Laid

The SIMS Guide to Getting Laid

1. Wake up and pee. Shower if it seems necessary. Put a strange object in the microwave until your stomach is satisfied. Play 4 seconds of video games on the computer. You want to make sure you’re not going to get moody, tired or unhygienic in your quest.

2. Leave the house. Buying a new outfit first is optional. Survey your list of neighbors and choose one that has a cool hairstyle and name. Walk over to their house.

3. Ring the doorbell.

4. This is where you have to choose how to greet them. Should you break the ice? Tell a joke? Find common interests? Poke them? Tickle them? Flirt with them? Insult them? A good rule to follow is to not tickle or poke the other person until you’re sure that your friendship is at least 60% formed. Breaking the ice or finding a common interest is sufficient.

5. Go back and forth for awhile with jokes and interests until you feel that you’re at about a 90% with them. This is when you get out of there. If you stick around, it’ll become apparent that “[Your name] is getting boring.”

6. Go home and paint a picture and write your weekly news column and compose a song. Buy a new stereo system and a dog and dance alone. Shower, eat dinner and pick strawberries until you sparkle. Write an angry movie review. Wash your hands five times. Feel frustrated. Extract the red essence from an object in your dining room for inspiration. This will cost you 3 Simoleons, but it’s worth it. Go to sleep.

7. Sleep for 20 seconds. Wake up and realize you need to find a job. Become a cupcake chef and earn enough money to buy a beret. Put it on in front of your new vanity and sparkle. Diamonds will fall out of the air and you will know that you are the best and life is full of rewards.

8. Walk back to that person’s house and ring the doorbell again. Tell jokes and flirt. Flirt again. Flirt one more time. Break the ice. Compliment them. Hug them. Go home before you get boring.

9. Watch TV and laugh. Exude plus signs from your skin. Play a monster game on your computer and think about food. Eat a Pop Tart and feel green once again. Practice chords on your guitar and buy a tambourine. Watch rainbows fall out of your new possessions. Shower and sleep.

10. Your object of desire comes over the next day. Greet them with a hug. Flirt. Poke them. Tickle them. Poke and tickle them again and again. Break the ice. Tell a joke. Hug them. Compliment them. Walk into the bathroom. Tell them to follow. Walk into the living room. Tell them to follow. Walk into the bedroom. Tell them to follow. Click on them. Choose sex. Say, “Wahoo!” Shower and sleep.

Becky Lang