…when he barks after you leave the house. Hey! Hey! Hey hey! Hey hey hey hey! Hey! Are you coming back? Hey, are you coming back? You’re not coming back, are you. Hey! Hey hey hey! Hey hey hey hey hey! HEEEEEEEEEEEY will you come back? Are you back yet? Did you come back? Are you just standing there behind the door? You are, aren’t you. Silly human. Come back in! I found my toy frog; I’ve slobbered all over it and want to shake it really hard and then put it in your lap! Come on, quit messing around. Come back in. Seriously. Seriously. Human? HUMAN?! HUMAAAAAAAN?! OH MY GOD ALL THE HUMANS ARE DEAD.

…when he comes tearing through the living room after you walk in the door. Oh mah Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahd! You’re back! I mean, I know you left about thirty seconds ago and probably only went out to the car to get your sunglasses but YOU’RE BAAAACK! I’m going to jump as high as I can directly toward your face to show you my appreciation! “Back off,” you say? Well I don’t speak English but I love you too, buddy! I’m probably going to jump too high and lose my footing and land on my back, but I know you’ll just say “Stupid fucking dog.” I know, right?! Jumping is great!

…when he sits staring at his food dish, but never barks. I feel…like…I should be able to do something about this. Sometimes when I’m here, there’s stuff in the bowl. But sometimes, there’s not. It’s like, I eat it, and then it’s gone. The water, too. I mean, I get that they’re inside me now, but where does the stuff come from before I eat it? If I stare long enough, will something happen? If I turn away real quick like this and then look back, will it appear? Nope. I guess not. What do you know of this, human? Can you unlock the mysteries of the stuff dish for me? No, of course not. What would a human know of dog things?

…when he sits on your chest while you’re trying to use your laptop in bed. Look at me, human. Now listen up. This contraption you’ve got here, I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. You’re always pushing buttons on it, laughing at it, making all sorts of God awful clicking noises, but can it love you like I do?  Can it bring you a twig full of dried leaves from outside? Can it step on your boobs while you’re sleeping? No, I will not go away! I will not sit idly by while you waste precious ball-throwing moments on this devil machine! Hath not a dog eyes? If you prick me, do I not bleed? If I drink water too quickly, do I not vomit on the rug?

…when you distract him by throwing his rawhide bone off the bed. If I pull too hard on the leash, do I not BONE. BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BONE BRB HAVE TO GO RESCUE MY BONE.

…when he leans on you while you sit on the couch and puts his head on your leg. It’s been a rough day. That stupid turkey was in the back yard again, and when I tried to chase him I got yanked back by my chain. I found a fluffy thing on the floor that I thought would probably taste good, but when I ate it, I started hacking. I should have known; the fluffy floor things never taste good. And then you were gone for like ever and I tried sprinting laps around the kitchen for a while but that got old pretty quickly. Where did you go? Were there other dogs there that were cuter than me? Oh, nevermind. I don’t mean it. Could you just scratch my belly? I think that’d really chill me out. Thanks.

…when he shits on the floor. Let that be a lesson to you.

–Katie Sisneros