Hey, Cindy,

I just got your e-mail with the camping details, and I’m sorry, but I’m not sure this is going to work. I know I was really excited about it the other day, but you see, we were drinking, and I think I misunderstood.

When you mentioned camping, I was really excited because I thought you meant the kind where we bring a cooler of beer and some lawn chairs and sit around a fire and eat some Clif bars. I just got a new can koozie that says, “Real Girls Don’t Wine,” and I really wanted to use it in a natural setting. I was looking forward to a trip to REI for some cute hiker girl clothes, but I don’t actually want to hike anywhere.

The supply list you’ve provided includes things I never knew I needed. Where else can I use a “collapsible bowl and cup?” If you can list three applicable places within the city, I might actually purchase them. Also, I’m a little scared that I’ll need water purification tablets; I assumed tap water was drinkable. I’ve got a tent, but it’s not “lightweight.” It has three rooms and a screened-in patio; the last time I used it, I brought some framed photos to put near my sleeping bag, and it was really homey.

You go into some great detail about what to expect, and I really can’t imagine wanting to pee on the ground badly enough to risk a poison ivy rash on my ass. I imagined something a little more “modern” with running water and a place to flush my tampons; maybe somewhere with a heated, indoor pool and an outlet to plug in my laptop. I like camping when the camping part can be optional every once in awhile. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals and plants and stuff, but I can only really stand them for about 5 hours. If there were somewhere to, like, take a break for a bit, that’d be perfect.

I’ve looked over the map you’ve attached and that seems to be quite the drive. I’m not sure I want to drive for 6 hours just to abandon the comfort of my vehicle and get lost in the woods. I’ve double-checked my 3G cell phone coverage, and it ends about 3 hours south of where you say we’re going. How will we access Google Maps? Is there a coffee shop with wi-fi near there, so I can at least update my Facebook status to “Exploring the Wilderness!” and make some people jealous?

Look, Cindy, you seem like a nice gal, but I just don’t understand why you would want to do this. I sort of understand practicing survival skills, but I’m already really good at avoiding situations with bears. I’ve endured a lot of crises in my life, so I like to play it safe. I frequently miss the last call for food at restaurants and have to go to bed hungry, and once, my hot water went out for an entire day! I don’t think I want to experience anything like that again.

I really enjoy the idea of camping. I do. But maybe we should just get a drink when you’re back.

Love,
Heidi Thomasoni

Photo by MattHurst (Creative Commons)