Jersey Shore: Ass fetish. Self-explanatory.

16 and Pregnant: Masochism. If you are watching this show, you are any/all of the following: a mother trying to teach your teenage daughter a good lesson, a teenage daughter thinking “Wow, I guess being pregnant could make me FAMOUS!”, or simply a sick soul who enjoys watching pubescent mothers gradually descend into the depths of unemployment, child support, and public humiliation.

Intervention: Foot fetish. It’s dirty and distasteful, but you can’t resist sticking your nose in it.

Tila Tequila: Two Girls, One Cup. The cup being Tila.

I Love New York: Ménage-à-ten. Just throwing it out there: what kind of money-grubbing, self-loathing man do you have to be to share a troll of a woman with 20 other penises? You must like orgies, or swapping spit indirectly. It’s all good.

The Real World: Role play. So many choices! We’ve got Mr. Hunkadelic-straight-off-the-paycheck-at-Abercrombie who just happened to work in the gay porn industry “like way, way back dude,” Party Girl, Altie Chick who doesn’t quite fit in, the Couple, maaaybe a devout Christian thrown into the mix, perhaps some token ethnic diversity. Take your pick!

The Challenge: Constipation/drunk sex. More popped veins, drunken fights, and stupid people than on any other show.

True Life: I’m a Sex Addict. Speaks for itself.

Tabitha’s Salon Takeover: Hair fetish. Pick your style: any way ya have it, this bush is getting whacked!

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Italian stallions.

Real Housewives of Orange County: Silicon fetish.

Real Housewives of Atlanta: Money and chocolate.

BBQ Pitmasters: BBQ pitmasters.

– Sophie Dover